Best Friend.

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It dawned on me today. I finally figured out when it hit me you weren’t the one for me.

You told me I wasn’t you’re best friend. 

How were you in love with me if I wasn’t your best friend?

How could I possibly spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn’t consider me their best friend?

I couldn’t.

And I didn’t.

The person I am going to end up with will be my best friend and I will be his.

No ifs, ands, or butts.

Understand.

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I guess I just don’t get it. I don’t think I ever will. How is it possible to love someone and one day wake up realizing its not enough anymore? How is it possible to see your life with someone just to later fall out of love with them? 

My mind changes all the time. I guess I’m naive to think that at 18, or 20, or even 22 that I could be in a point in my life that I could settle down and be happy with one person. I’ve had two beautiful, happy, and true loves. In both situations I was all in. Until slowly, quietly, I realized they weren’t the one for me.

Will it always happen like that? Will I always one day wake up and feel different? 

I don’t understand how or why it happens. I guess over time you realize that person isn’t your person. They may have been your person for a while, but they aren’t anymore. 

I’m afraid to ever get in another relationship because I don’t want this pattern to continue. I’ve never been very good at being single but I know its what I need. 

I thought I was careful last time. We took it so slow at the beginning, I was careful because I didn’t want what happened to happen. 

I don’t want it to ever happen again.

How can I change my mind so quickly and so concretely like that?

Love is funny

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Love is funny, you know? It can surprise you. It can stop you dead in your tracks. It can trick you. It can be the best and worst things to happen to you. It can end quicker than it started. It can fade and it can leave in an instant. It is so desired yet so terrifying.

No matter what you do- its there. Whether you’re feeling it, craving it, or haunted by it. You’ll never be able to explain it. You’ll never know why it didn’t work out with some people. You’ll never truly understand why.

Here I am again

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Here I am again. Sitting in my bed heartbroken and confused. A feeling I’ve know far too many times. The feelings I felt when I started this blog. I have a feeling I’ll be back again a lot. Writing has always been there for me in the rough times. I begin to write and I just start to understand what I feel and my thoughts get sorted out.

I wish I could put my finger on the point when everything changed. I don’t understand how I can go from being madly in love to breaking up with someone. What happened and how did it all happen so fast?

I guess only time will tell.

 

On another note:

I found out that a dear old friend of mine’s ex boyfriend committed suicide this past weekend. First I want to say that I am praying for her, her family, and his family. I cannot even imagine how they are feeling right now. It really makes you think about how precious life is. Love you Alyssa, I hope you find strength.

I’ll love you forever.

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The love I have for you is more than the love I have for anybody. The trust I have for you is more than the trust I have for anybody else. The respect, the adoration, the care I have for you is more than I have for anyone else.

I am so proud of you and everything you’re becoming. You have taught me so much about myself. You know me better than anyone else.

Yet somehow, its not enough.

You’re not the one. It didn’t work out. We aren’t meant to be.

You’re all those things to me. But you aren’t the one. You aren’t mine anymore.

You taught me how to love. I’ll compare every lover to you until the day I find the one. I’m scared nobody will ever come close to comparing to you.

How is it that I feel such a love for you that I can’t describe, yet its not enough? Its not the kind of love we needed to be forever.

If I loved you that much and in that way, I cannot wait to see how the one for me makes me feel.

I’m glad you still trust me with your life. I hope that never changes.

I hope our future relationships don’t mess up our current friendship.

I’d be no where without our friendship.

I can’t believe how long its been since I’ve seen you. I’m afraid when I do, I’m going to fall right back in love with you. But I know deep down its not enough, it will never be enough.

I wish you all the love and happiness in the world. You are the strongest person I know. You have the biggest heart of anyone I know.

I miss you more everyday.

Thank you for letting me love you.

Thank you for loving me in a way I never thought possible.

Thank you for showing me I’m worthy of love.

I’ll love you forever.

I just want you to be proud of me.

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Dear You,

There are so many things I want you to know. So many things I could never say. You were absolutely the light of my life. You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met. Even to this day, if something awful happened to me and I needed anything, you’d be the first person I’d call. I think if we met in a different lifetime or a few years later, everything would be so different. I was not ready for the immensity of your love. I cherish the friendship we still have today over anyone else’s. I believe its crazy and absolutely beautiful that we still love and care about eachother enough to remain good friends.

Until tonight, its never even been hard for me to be your friend. I haven’t cried or felt sad in months. Since that day, we’ve remained best friends. It was hard at first but we have a perfect balance now. I’ll never forget the love we shared, but sometimes when we are talking it doesn’t even seem like we had this past and rough ending to our love story. It doesn’t seem like I hurt you, even though I’ll never forget that I did.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently. It was true when I told you that I believed I was too young and needed to live my life on my own to discover who I am. I am so happy to have had the oppurtunity to begin that journey and its been going great so far. I am learning so many new things about myself. I am finally getting involved in clubs and making new friends. I’m completely happy. Thats all I want for you too, happiness.

I want you to know that I cherish you and the friendship we share. When the day comes that you find a woman who is wonderful and perfect for you, I hope she understands our friendship and I get the pleasure to meet this lucky woman. I know we both always thought it would be me and I’m sorry that it isn’t. I hope you read this and I hope you have read all of my blogs and know this isn’t as easy for me as you might have thought its been.

I want you to think highly of me and always keep a special place in your heart for me. I love that you always check up on me and my family and still keep me updated about ravens gossip and other random things we used to share. It makes me so happy when you ask about how pa is doing or tell me something that reminded you of my brother. I really want you to always think of me as the girl you once loved, not as the girl who left you unexpectedly. When you think of me, I want you to think of the years we spent together, not that one day. I want you to understand that what I did was for both you and me. I want you to see the growth I have had as a person. Most of all, I just want you to be proud of me. I’m so proud of you and all you are doing. You are going to suceed in life with absolutely no problem.

You have a heart of gold and it shows by the loyality and love you have from your friends and family. God I miss them so much. I got to see your brothers grow so much and your mom was truly a best friend. I am lucky enough that you and I were able to remain friends, but I wish I was still friends with them too. I love to hear about them all, they’re wonderful people. I hope they know I miss and love them. I also hope they do not think poorly of me, but I could understand.

If you read this, I hope it makes you smile, not cry as I am. I hope it helps you understand because I know I left a lot of things unanswered. You will always be my first love.

Love, Me