15.

Standard

I’ve been on this earth for almost 21 years. I view my life in chunks.

My childhood before I can remember, the time I spent with Sarah, the time I always visited Waverly Lane, Middle School, Ninth grade misery because of someone certain, tenth grade first love and heart break, junior year the roller coaster, my time with him, my crazy time, and now.

I can’t wait to see what I label now as. When I look back, what will I see this time of my life as? Other than my childhood I can’t remember, my time with him is my biggest section. I spent three years of my life devoted to someone. Someone I loved with all my heart. Someone I am no longer with. That is almost fifteen percent of my life.

I can’t imagine the people who spend the majority of their life with someone and have it not work out. My parents have spent more than half their lives together. Its beautiful. But for the couples that break up, isn’t that awful? You spend so much time with someone and its just over?

We tend to let our lives revolve around other people’s lives. If this happens for a long period of time, you get used to it. But what happens if it ends? What do you do? Where do you start? Where do you go? Those are all things I’ve been slowly figuring out.

I’m sorry.

Aside

I have nothing to be mad about. I have nothing to hate you for. I have no excuse for why it didn’t work out. I have absolutely nothing that tells me you weren’t perfect for me. How am I supposed to move on? All I have is that one week I woke up feeling different that I had any other day the past three years. All I have is that I acted on impulse. All I have is a phone call that completely altered my entire life. I don’t remember what I felt or why I did what I did. I remember how you treated me, how happy you made me, and how you loved me. Am I remembering it better than it was? For a while after, I was confident I made the right decision. Am I forgetting why I made this decision? All I’m thinking tonight is that I ended something wonderful because I was too stubborn and scared to work it out. I felt trapped, so why didn’t I just ask for room? I can’t change what I did. It was my decision. I thought I had moved on, only to be more confused now than I was the day after. I miss you more everyday. I’m sorry.