Second Chances

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I’ve always been someone who forgives, but second chances have always been hard. I have always given people that chance but it never really worked out. The person disappointed me or things were never the same again.

I gave someone a second chance too quickly and it turned out to be the biggest lesson I’ve ever learned in my life.

And here I am, years later, giving them another.

I decided there was no reason not to. The differences I’ve seen in my life over the past years are life changing. I believe that this could be the same for them.

I’ve decided to not look at it as a second chance, but to look at it as a new beginning.

 

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And I love it.

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Sometimes you become the person you never thought you would be. Sometimes its the person you hated, never understood, or never knew existed.

Its okay.

I believe things happen in everyone’s lives that change them. For good.

I will never be that person again. I will never feel that way about life again. I will never.

The person I used to be was amazing. But thats not me anymore.

I’ve had so many things happen to me that changed my views on life and love and sex and growing up and family and morals and happiness and goals and growing old. Thats normal.

I’m not going to look at the world the same way I did when I was 16. I’ve seen things and experienced things and felt things since then that has changed my life forever. That doesn’t mean who I am now is any less than who I was then. I’m just different.

I can’t go back. I don’t think I want to go back. My innocence is gone. I held on to if for a while but I couldn’t anymore. I’m growing up. I’m finding myself. Its not anywhere close to what I thought I’d find. Thats really beautiful, isn’t it?

I don’t look at life the same. I won’t see it the same in a few years and a few more after that. I have to remember that things change and when they do, so will my mind. I’m not that girl I was in high school or that girl I was eight months ago. I’ll never be again.

While I’m growing up, I’m also being irresponsible. I’m living up my life. I’m living in the moment. I’m having fun. I’m becoming more outgoing. I’m 20, I should be enjoying the last bit of my youth. And I am. I’m doing things that I shouldn’t be and learning so much about myself and life.

College really can change a girl. I’m becoming someone unrecognizable. And I love it.

Two Different Lives.

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“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” -Wayne Dyer

I think its crazy how different my life is now than it was just a few months ago. Oh how cliché I sound. I literally woke up one day and everything had changed. I used to be the homebody who sat in my dorm and studied. I would usually go home on the weekends, and when I didn’t I stayed in, most of the time by myself. I was happy in some aspects but my social life at school was almost non-existent except for my roommates. Now I’m always busy. I’m either studying, going to meetings, doing things for my clubs, or being with my friends. I still enjoy my alone time though. I am enjoying the usual college night life.

I am happy. I was happy then too. How is that possible? How is it possible that I’ve live two totally different lives and have been happy in each? I feel as if I was an entirely different person then, I don’t even recognize myself anymore. Not in a bad way though. I’m always talking about change, I’ve had a lot recently. I just find it incredible that I can lead two different lives and love both of them and what they have brought me.

I’ve made choices that I never would have even thought about before. I look at life in an entirely new light.  A brighter light. I want something totally different out of life now. I’ve learned that happiness is not how you live your life, its how you feel about life. Everyday, you can choose to be happy.

What If?

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Every day of my life I seem to have a constant battle in my head.

I want to take the little amount of money I have and run off to Europe and never come back.

I’ll take in all the cultures of the world, working random jobs, and live a life I could never even dream of. Even to do that for a year, I think it would change my life completely.

But then there is the rational side of me. Stay in college, spend your life teaching as you’ve always dreamed and use that money you have saved up to pay off school loans.

I constantly wonder if I can have both. I could teach to children in so many different countries.

I could change their lives.

And mine.

I always tell people that I’m going to join the peace corps if I can’t find a job after graduation. I don’t think they really think I’d do that.

Its my dream. Spend two years in a foreign and most likely developing country teaching children and learning about the world and myself in the most beautiful ways possible.

Everyone always says they want to travel. I know people who go on vacations and can’t wait to go home. I never want to go home.

My ideal life would be traveling around the world being a clean energy activist and changing the world one windmill or solar panel at a time.

If I can’t do that, I will be a plain ordinary teacher in the United States. I’ll be happy and I’ll still travel with my summers off.

But I know I’ll always wonder what if.

What if I spent a year or two traveling Europe, or Africa, or Australia? Would I ever come back?

What if I got the opportunity to teach to other cultures?

What if I lived my dream?

I hope I won’t have to ask.

Journey

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If you told me a year ago what my life would be like today, I would have thought you were crazy. Its amazing how much can change in a year or even six months. If I even think back to before this semester started, I’m a much different person now than I was then. I cannot even begin to explain how much some people have impacted my life in such a short amount of time. It really is crazy to think about. Two years ago I was just starting my college experience as a shy girl with a boy back home who was ready for a new start. I don’t think I got that start until this year, when I finally left my past and my home back where they belong. I’ve finally come out of my shell and been the fun crazy girl I had all cooped up inside. I have decided that I will say yes to most things that come my way. While this has been benefical to me in some areas, it has hurt me in others. I am a whole new person and I am still trying to find myself and my way. I really would like it if people didn’t judge me on the decisions I’ve made while making this journey. I believe that if I make a mistake, as long as change what I do in the present, nobody has a right to look down on me. Life is a journey and about learning from experience, right? My journey has only begun.

Everything You Want

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So today I was listening to my Pandora and the song Everything You Want by Veritcal Horizon came on. (if you don’t know the song you can listen here) Everytime I hear this song, it always hits home and affects me. I don’t know what it is but it always gets me. I realize the song is talking about love and how someone is perfect yet not for you/you don’t feel anything towards them. However I feel that this really pertains to other parts of your life too.

I used to play volleyball and was madly in love with the sport. When I was faced with the decision to try play in college, I ultimately decided I was burnt out from the sport and wanted to focus my time at school on other things. Volleyball was the only sport I had ever been decent at and it made me so happy to play it. However, I came to realize that it was no longer for me. I grew out of it, I got sick of it, especially the drama.

Is it bad that I compare this feeling to that of love? I think that happens to a lot of people. They get sick of trying and the drama of a relationship. They outgrow their relationship or their partner. The person can be perfect for you, everything you’ve always wanted, but if it’s not there, it just isn’t. It can take people years to realize this. Most of the time they never know why, because they know that nothing the person did was ever wrong. The person was everything they always imagined, but not everything they needed.

Obviously, if you know me personally you know exactly what I am talking about. I do not want anyone to take offense to the things I am saying, because I would never say or want anyone to think I think anything bad about this person. Its been a few months, but I still sometimes take the time to figure out what happened because even I do not know. I have this blog to help figure out myself and see my growth.

I believe every decision and every experience in my life is meaningful. The message I got from this song was that I should never assume what I want or create my definition of perfection. If I do this and the person has this, I’ll forever beat myself up if they are not the one. There are two people in my life who keep me holding onto the idea of love, however I am not sure if I’ll ever want to not be single. My advice to you, and for my future self if I change my mind, is to forget expectations and the preconceived notions you have about love, relationships, and the ‘perfect partner’

Change

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I realize I talk about change a lot. I think it may be because in my life right now I am going through a lot of changes. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a boyfriend or seeking someone. I made the decision a few months ago that I would remain totally single and carefree for a long time.

So far I have being having the time of my life and loving my independence. It is still all very new to me. Its weird that when I come back home at night, I dont have someone to talk to until I fall asleep. I’m not saying I miss that or want that, its just not my normal. Nothing about this life is.

I am more in love with myself than ever. I don’t need or want a man to be the reason I feel good about myself. Since I have decided to be carefree, I am so much more fun. I’m more outgoing and can be pretty obnoxious, but I am enjoying every last second of it. The changes in my life have made me learn so much about myself. I want to feel this way about myself and life forever.