Stuck.

Standard

You know, a lot of things have scared me in my life, but nothing like this.

I’ve always been a student, I’ve always had something to do the next day or the next month.¬†

But here I am.

Stuck.

This limbo I’m in after college is unreal.

Tomorrow I could get a phone call that will land me a job.

Or I couldn’t get one.

This is the first time in my entire life that I have nothing.

Don’t get me wrong. I have more than nothing- I have amazing family and friends.

I just graduated from college, I should be proud.

And I am.

But this terrifying ‘I have no idea where I am going’ feeling is the strongest and most paralyzing feeling I’ve ever felt.

Tomorrow may be the day.

Or maybe I’ll have to find a plan B.

Either way, this uncertainty is crippling.

Advertisements

18 and naive

Standard

Dear 18 year old self,

You finally ended high school. I know you could not wait to get out of there, too many years with the same people. Remember who your true friends are, three of them will still be texting you, snapchatting (you’ll understand in a few years), and being there for you. Don’t take their silence during the semester as they don’t want to see you on breaks. You’ll be the first person they text.

I know you’re in love but in a few years, you’ll realize that even though he’s a great guy, he isn’t the one for you. You’ll learn that once again later in college. Heartbreak sucks. It’ll take a while to get over and you won’t even know who you are. It is okay. You’ll find yourself. You’ll make A LOT of mistakes, don’t regret them. Don’t regret them because you have awful judgmental friends. Right in the prime of your heartbreak- you’ll meet the best friend you’ll ever have. She’ll surprise you, make you laugh, and always be there for dressing up and going out. Always.

Physics is going to suck- don’t worry about it too much. You’ll manage the rest of college just fine. You will eventually get an iPhone! Congrats, enjoy mom’s flip phone after you break your current one. Teaching is where you are supposed to be. Even those days when you’re not sure- you’ll learn soon enough you couldn’t do anything else with your life.¬†Freshman and sophomore year you will have an amazing roommate. Don’t take her for granted, she won’t always be around.

Don’t judge a book by its cover. People will surprise you. You will surprise you.

My most important advice: Live it up. It is over before you know it. It is okay to stay out late, it’s okay the spend that money, its okay to kiss that boy. Don’t regret a thing.

I’m proud of who you are and you are going to love this roller coaster we go through called college.

With love,

You at 22.

Proud.

Standard

Its only a little more than a month until I graduate from college. The end of an amazing era and the start of another. Its mind blowing, exhilarating, and also terrifying. I am so proud of myself. I have pushed myself to be the best me I can be. I had my first interview for a teaching job yesterday. I did not get a second interview. But that is okay. It was my first one, I was nervous, and I did the best I could. Sometimes it is just not a fit.

I have truly been living up the last few months of college. I’m going out on weeknights. I’ve been saying you know what: yes I would love to do this with you. I’m spending money I don’t have and spending as much time with my friends as I can. Because its never going to be like this again, ever. I am okay with that and not okay with that in every way possible.

My entire floor is covered with clean laundry because I have not had the time-or care- to spend folding it. I’m spending it with my friends. I’m spending it attempting to be the best goddamn student teacher I can be.

I am so proud of where I am today. It might not be where I expected. And my life might be a mess. But I couldn’t be happier right where I am in my own crazy world.

And I love it.

Standard

images

 

Sometimes you become the person you never thought you would be. Sometimes its the person you hated, never understood, or never knew existed.

Its okay.

I believe things happen in everyone’s lives that change them. For good.

I will never be that person again. I will never feel that way about life again. I will never.

The person I used to be was amazing. But thats not me anymore.

I’ve had so many things happen to me that changed my views on life and love and sex and growing up and family and morals and happiness and goals and growing old. Thats normal.

I’m not going to look at the world the same way I did when I was 16. I’ve seen things and experienced things and felt things since then that has changed my life forever. That doesn’t mean who I am now is any less than who I was then. I’m just different.

I can’t go back. I don’t think I want to go back. My innocence is gone. I held on to if for a while but I couldn’t anymore. I’m growing up. I’m finding myself. Its not anywhere close to what I thought I’d find. Thats really beautiful, isn’t it?

I don’t look at life the same. I won’t see it the same in a few years and a few more after that. I have to remember that things change and when they do, so will my mind. I’m not that girl I was in high school or that girl I was eight months ago. I’ll never be again.

While I’m growing up, I’m also being irresponsible. I’m living up my life. I’m living in the moment. I’m having fun. I’m becoming more outgoing. I’m 20, I should be enjoying the last bit of my youth. And I am. I’m doing things that I shouldn’t be and learning so much about myself and life.

College really can change a girl. I’m becoming someone¬†unrecognizable. And I love it.

Enjoy every step of the journey

Aside

I spend my entire week working my ass of in school. I’m either in classes, studying, doing homework, or in meetings or other various events for school or clubs I am in. While my friends are around doing fun stuff, I’m locking myself in my room or parking my butt at the library and working hard.

I never complain about this. It is my choice to work as hard as I do to succeed. I know exactly what I want and I work everyday to get it.

My job is to be a student. I’ll save my social life for the weekends, if I have the time. I don’t need to spend everyday with my friends to feel like I’m cool or that I have a life. My true friends and I don’t need to spend everyday together in order to know we are close.

I am in college to get a degree to get my dream job. The social life is a beautiful bonus that I do take advantage of. But thats not why I’m here. I’m here to earn the A in that class, learn from experiences in clubs, and prepare myself for everything I’ve ever wanted. Being able to help people through my clubs is another beautiful bonus I am lucky to have.

I know too many people who view college as a playground and treat classes as if they aren’t important. I’m using college as a stepping stone to get where I’m going. If you’re not here for that reason, why are you here?

Image