Understand.

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I guess I just don’t get it. I don’t think I ever will. How is it possible to love someone and one day wake up realizing its not enough anymore? How is it possible to see your life with someone just to later fall out of love with them? 

My mind changes all the time. I guess I’m naive to think that at 18, or 20, or even 22 that I could be in a point in my life that I could settle down and be happy with one person. I’ve had two beautiful, happy, and true loves. In both situations I was all in. Until slowly, quietly, I realized they weren’t the one for me.

Will it always happen like that? Will I always one day wake up and feel different? 

I don’t understand how or why it happens. I guess over time you realize that person isn’t your person. They may have been your person for a while, but they aren’t anymore. 

I’m afraid to ever get in another relationship because I don’t want this pattern to continue. I’ve never been very good at being single but I know its what I need. 

I thought I was careful last time. We took it so slow at the beginning, I was careful because I didn’t want what happened to happen. 

I don’t want it to ever happen again.

How can I change my mind so quickly and so concretely like that?

Love is funny

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Love is funny, you know? It can surprise you. It can stop you dead in your tracks. It can trick you. It can be the best and worst things to happen to you. It can end quicker than it started. It can fade and it can leave in an instant. It is so desired yet so terrifying.

No matter what you do- its there. Whether you’re feeling it, craving it, or haunted by it. You’ll never be able to explain it. You’ll never know why it didn’t work out with some people. You’ll never truly understand why.

Here I am again

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Here I am again. Sitting in my bed heartbroken and confused. A feeling I’ve know far too many times. The feelings I felt when I started this blog. I have a feeling I’ll be back again a lot. Writing has always been there for me in the rough times. I begin to write and I just start to understand what I feel and my thoughts get sorted out.

I wish I could put my finger on the point when everything changed. I don’t understand how I can go from being madly in love to breaking up with someone. What happened and how did it all happen so fast?

I guess only time will tell.

 

On another note:

I found out that a dear old friend of mine’s ex boyfriend committed suicide this past weekend. First I want to say that I am praying for her, her family, and his family. I cannot even imagine how they are feeling right now. It really makes you think about how precious life is. Love you Alyssa, I hope you find strength.

I’m sorry.

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I have nothing to be mad about. I have nothing to hate you for. I have no excuse for why it didn’t work out. I have absolutely nothing that tells me you weren’t perfect for me. How am I supposed to move on? All I have is that one week I woke up feeling different that I had any other day the past three years. All I have is that I acted on impulse. All I have is a phone call that completely altered my entire life. I don’t remember what I felt or why I did what I did. I remember how you treated me, how happy you made me, and how you loved me. Am I remembering it better than it was? For a while after, I was confident I made the right decision. Am I forgetting why I made this decision? All I’m thinking tonight is that I ended something wonderful because I was too stubborn and scared to work it out. I felt trapped, so why didn’t I just ask for room? I can’t change what I did. It was my decision. I thought I had moved on, only to be more confused now than I was the day after. I miss you more everyday. I’m sorry.