Quirky.

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I have an irrational fear of can openers.

I get uncomfortable when people talk about eyes.

I act like a five year old whenever I’m in an amusement park or aquarium.

I get along better with 13 year olds than adults.

I talk in about 100 different voices and laugh harder at myself than anyone else does.

I’m weird. I’m quirky.

And quite frankly, I’m a lot to handle.

But I wouldn’t change any of that. For anyone or anything.

Different

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I’ve always believed people can’t change. I’ve always thought that people are who they are and their core doesn’t differ.

But I’ve been proven wrong. I’ve proven myself wrong.

In the last few years, the core of who I am and what I believe, think, and feel are completely new.

I just never realized this until someone I once knew came back into my life.

Who I am, how I think about myself, life, and love have all been altered completely.

I encourage people to take a look back and notice the differences. 

With you

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With you, I seem very cautious. Maybe sometimes you feel like I’m taken back.

With you, how could I not be?

I need to show you I don’t need you anymore. I need you to see that I’m not who I used to be.

But there is something you’ve got to know:

Even if I’m playing it cool on the outside, my heart is jumping on the inside.

Words

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It is crazy how words mean different things to different people.

We all know the technical definition of words, but they are truly distinctive to each one of us.

They way you feel and think when you hear the words family, love, and heartbreak is completely different than how anyone else views it.

We all know mother means the woman who gave birth to you. But many different people have contrasting opinions and thoughts of the word mother. People’s own definitions are completely unique based on their experiences.

Everyone defines words in their own way. Making language and communication unique, complicated, and beautiful.

Understand.

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I guess I just don’t get it. I don’t think I ever will. How is it possible to love someone and one day wake up realizing its not enough anymore? How is it possible to see your life with someone just to later fall out of love with them? 

My mind changes all the time. I guess I’m naive to think that at 18, or 20, or even 22 that I could be in a point in my life that I could settle down and be happy with one person. I’ve had two beautiful, happy, and true loves. In both situations I was all in. Until slowly, quietly, I realized they weren’t the one for me.

Will it always happen like that? Will I always one day wake up and feel different? 

I don’t understand how or why it happens. I guess over time you realize that person isn’t your person. They may have been your person for a while, but they aren’t anymore. 

I’m afraid to ever get in another relationship because I don’t want this pattern to continue. I’ve never been very good at being single but I know its what I need. 

I thought I was careful last time. We took it so slow at the beginning, I was careful because I didn’t want what happened to happen. 

I don’t want it to ever happen again.

How can I change my mind so quickly and so concretely like that?

And I love it.

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Sometimes you become the person you never thought you would be. Sometimes its the person you hated, never understood, or never knew existed.

Its okay.

I believe things happen in everyone’s lives that change them. For good.

I will never be that person again. I will never feel that way about life again. I will never.

The person I used to be was amazing. But thats not me anymore.

I’ve had so many things happen to me that changed my views on life and love and sex and growing up and family and morals and happiness and goals and growing old. Thats normal.

I’m not going to look at the world the same way I did when I was 16. I’ve seen things and experienced things and felt things since then that has changed my life forever. That doesn’t mean who I am now is any less than who I was then. I’m just different.

I can’t go back. I don’t think I want to go back. My innocence is gone. I held on to if for a while but I couldn’t anymore. I’m growing up. I’m finding myself. Its not anywhere close to what I thought I’d find. Thats really beautiful, isn’t it?

I don’t look at life the same. I won’t see it the same in a few years and a few more after that. I have to remember that things change and when they do, so will my mind. I’m not that girl I was in high school or that girl I was eight months ago. I’ll never be again.

While I’m growing up, I’m also being irresponsible. I’m living up my life. I’m living in the moment. I’m having fun. I’m becoming more outgoing. I’m 20, I should be enjoying the last bit of my youth. And I am. I’m doing things that I shouldn’t be and learning so much about myself and life.

College really can change a girl. I’m becoming someone unrecognizable. And I love it.

Two Different Lives.

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“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” -Wayne Dyer

I think its crazy how different my life is now than it was just a few months ago. Oh how cliché I sound. I literally woke up one day and everything had changed. I used to be the homebody who sat in my dorm and studied. I would usually go home on the weekends, and when I didn’t I stayed in, most of the time by myself. I was happy in some aspects but my social life at school was almost non-existent except for my roommates. Now I’m always busy. I’m either studying, going to meetings, doing things for my clubs, or being with my friends. I still enjoy my alone time though. I am enjoying the usual college night life.

I am happy. I was happy then too. How is that possible? How is it possible that I’ve live two totally different lives and have been happy in each? I feel as if I was an entirely different person then, I don’t even recognize myself anymore. Not in a bad way though. I’m always talking about change, I’ve had a lot recently. I just find it incredible that I can lead two different lives and love both of them and what they have brought me.

I’ve made choices that I never would have even thought about before. I look at life in an entirely new light.  A brighter light. I want something totally different out of life now. I’ve learned that happiness is not how you live your life, its how you feel about life. Everyday, you can choose to be happy.