Expectations.

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My number one rule is to never get your hopes up. Never expect anything from anyone. But it is just so hard. I have learned it the hard way. I’ve had so many disappointments because of it. If you don’t expect anything there is no way to get disappointed. So I spent months training myself to not expect things out of situations or people. But sometimes you just can’t help it. You want more. I feel like I’m setting myself up for disappointment.

And I love it.

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Sometimes you become the person you never thought you would be. Sometimes its the person you hated, never understood, or never knew existed.

Its okay.

I believe things happen in everyone’s lives that change them. For good.

I will never be that person again. I will never feel that way about life again. I will never.

The person I used to be was amazing. But thats not me anymore.

I’ve had so many things happen to me that changed my views on life and love and sex and growing up and family and morals and happiness and goals and growing old. Thats normal.

I’m not going to look at the world the same way I did when I was 16. I’ve seen things and experienced things and felt things since then that has changed my life forever. That doesn’t mean who I am now is any less than who I was then. I’m just different.

I can’t go back. I don’t think I want to go back. My innocence is gone. I held on to if for a while but I couldn’t anymore. I’m growing up. I’m finding myself. Its not anywhere close to what I thought I’d find. Thats really beautiful, isn’t it?

I don’t look at life the same. I won’t see it the same in a few years and a few more after that. I have to remember that things change and when they do, so will my mind. I’m not that girl I was in high school or that girl I was eight months ago. I’ll never be again.

While I’m growing up, I’m also being irresponsible. I’m living up my life. I’m living in the moment. I’m having fun. I’m becoming more outgoing. I’m 20, I should be enjoying the last bit of my youth. And I am. I’m doing things that I shouldn’t be and learning so much about myself and life.

College really can change a girl. I’m becoming someone unrecognizable. And I love it.

Embrace.

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My life never ends up how I expect it to. I think that is one of the most beautiful things about life. You can plan for things and expects things and they don’t turn out that way. Usually they turn out the complete opposite.

I will never know what tomorrow brings. The future is unwritten. I can change it anytime I want. I never thought my life would be as it is right now. Last year I would have slapped you or laughed in your face if you told me this is where I’d be. I can pretty much say that about every year of my life.

Things change, slowly, but when you look back, they happen rather quickly. Life is unexpected. As soon as you assume something, life flips you upside down on your ass.

It can be a roller coaster  but would you really want it any other way?

If I could plan out my future just how I want it, sure I’d be happy. But I wouldn’t end up where I’m supposed to be.

Embrace the changes, the broken expectations, and the assumptions that were totally wrong.

Everything You Want

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So today I was listening to my Pandora and the song Everything You Want by Veritcal Horizon came on. (if you don’t know the song you can listen here) Everytime I hear this song, it always hits home and affects me. I don’t know what it is but it always gets me. I realize the song is talking about love and how someone is perfect yet not for you/you don’t feel anything towards them. However I feel that this really pertains to other parts of your life too.

I used to play volleyball and was madly in love with the sport. When I was faced with the decision to try play in college, I ultimately decided I was burnt out from the sport and wanted to focus my time at school on other things. Volleyball was the only sport I had ever been decent at and it made me so happy to play it. However, I came to realize that it was no longer for me. I grew out of it, I got sick of it, especially the drama.

Is it bad that I compare this feeling to that of love? I think that happens to a lot of people. They get sick of trying and the drama of a relationship. They outgrow their relationship or their partner. The person can be perfect for you, everything you’ve always wanted, but if it’s not there, it just isn’t. It can take people years to realize this. Most of the time they never know why, because they know that nothing the person did was ever wrong. The person was everything they always imagined, but not everything they needed.

Obviously, if you know me personally you know exactly what I am talking about. I do not want anyone to take offense to the things I am saying, because I would never say or want anyone to think I think anything bad about this person. Its been a few months, but I still sometimes take the time to figure out what happened because even I do not know. I have this blog to help figure out myself and see my growth.

I believe every decision and every experience in my life is meaningful. The message I got from this song was that I should never assume what I want or create my definition of perfection. If I do this and the person has this, I’ll forever beat myself up if they are not the one. There are two people in my life who keep me holding onto the idea of love, however I am not sure if I’ll ever want to not be single. My advice to you, and for my future self if I change my mind, is to forget expectations and the preconceived notions you have about love, relationships, and the ‘perfect partner’