Home.

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I’ve made awesome friends here. I really have, I am so lucky to have found them.

To be quite honest, I think the adjustment would have been too much if we hadn’t come such fast friends.

And I have family here. Family I’ve always dreamed of living near.

But somehow I’m still homesick.

These people I’m surrounded by are amazing.

But they don’t feel quite like home.

My best friends, my parents, my brother, my boyfriend, they are home to me. And no matter where I am, that’s how it’ll be.

I love the people I’m with. I love my new job.

But I really miss the people I’ve always considered home.

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Stuck.

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You know, a lot of things have scared me in my life, but nothing like this.

I’ve always been a student, I’ve always had something to do the next day or the next month. 

But here I am.

Stuck.

This limbo I’m in after college is unreal.

Tomorrow I could get a phone call that will land me a job.

Or I couldn’t get one.

This is the first time in my entire life that I have nothing.

Don’t get me wrong. I have more than nothing- I have amazing family and friends.

I just graduated from college, I should be proud.

And I am.

But this terrifying ‘I have no idea where I am going’ feeling is the strongest and most paralyzing feeling I’ve ever felt.

Tomorrow may be the day.

Or maybe I’ll have to find a plan B.

Either way, this uncertainty is crippling.

This Place.

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It’s never easy leaving this place.

It’s always been a second home to me, all of my family is here.

My cousins and I could be so close if I was here all the time.

Living half way across the country is hard sometimes. However, because we don’t see each other all the time, maybe we do get along better and appreciate each other more.

I’m lucky I have this place to come to and have it feel like home.

Words

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It is crazy how words mean different things to different people.

We all know the technical definition of words, but they are truly distinctive to each one of us.

They way you feel and think when you hear the words family, love, and heartbreak is completely different than how anyone else views it.

We all know mother means the woman who gave birth to you. But many different people have contrasting opinions and thoughts of the word mother. People’s own definitions are completely unique based on their experiences.

Everyone defines words in their own way. Making language and communication unique, complicated, and beautiful.

And I love it.

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Sometimes you become the person you never thought you would be. Sometimes its the person you hated, never understood, or never knew existed.

Its okay.

I believe things happen in everyone’s lives that change them. For good.

I will never be that person again. I will never feel that way about life again. I will never.

The person I used to be was amazing. But thats not me anymore.

I’ve had so many things happen to me that changed my views on life and love and sex and growing up and family and morals and happiness and goals and growing old. Thats normal.

I’m not going to look at the world the same way I did when I was 16. I’ve seen things and experienced things and felt things since then that has changed my life forever. That doesn’t mean who I am now is any less than who I was then. I’m just different.

I can’t go back. I don’t think I want to go back. My innocence is gone. I held on to if for a while but I couldn’t anymore. I’m growing up. I’m finding myself. Its not anywhere close to what I thought I’d find. Thats really beautiful, isn’t it?

I don’t look at life the same. I won’t see it the same in a few years and a few more after that. I have to remember that things change and when they do, so will my mind. I’m not that girl I was in high school or that girl I was eight months ago. I’ll never be again.

While I’m growing up, I’m also being irresponsible. I’m living up my life. I’m living in the moment. I’m having fun. I’m becoming more outgoing. I’m 20, I should be enjoying the last bit of my youth. And I am. I’m doing things that I shouldn’t be and learning so much about myself and life.

College really can change a girl. I’m becoming someone unrecognizable. And I love it.

Happy

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I’ve had an epiphany.

Happiness is choice.

Who cares if my friend is pissing me off. Who cares if the guy I like doesn’t feel the same way about me?

I can choose to be happy.

I’m lucky. I’ve got the most amazing family I could imagine. I have really great friends. I have a beautiful opportunity to be in school and go for my dreams.

How could I not be happy?

Sure, some things will go wrong. People will piss me off, school will frustrate me, there will be things I don’t understand. That shouldn’t rule my happiness. I should.

The little things make me happy. Thats all it takes.

I’ve fought depression. I’ve fought it and I’ve beat it. I’m not letting myself go back there. I chose to climb my way out of that hole and be happy. I refuse to fall down it again.

I don’t believe I’ll ever have to stop fighting. However, as long as I have the right outlook, I think it’ll become easier. I am lucky. I am happy.

You know who you are.

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To one of my good friends because you deserve to know this:

“You think that you deserve that pain, but you don’t. I know what it’s like to want to avoid it all, to just need to make it go away, but you can’t. I know that you look in the mirror and feel that it’s all your fault, like there was something you should have done—like in some way, the things that have happened to you were your fault. But, they weren’t. And maybe you look in the mirror and see that, but I look at you and I see someone incredible, who needs to be happy. Whom I need to be happy. You think you deserve to let these things gnaw at your insides, torturing you, but you don’t. You deserve so much better than that. I need you to see that, because you deserve to not walk around with any of this pain. You deserve better, you just have to understand that.” 

I found this a few weeks ago. I wanted to show you it, I wanted you to feel it, understand it. You made a mistake, everyone makes mistakes. You cannot spend your life beating yourself up about it. You deserve better than this. Who your family is and the things that have happened in your life are not your fault. It has to do with their incapacity to love, it has nothing to do with you. There are so many things I wish you could see. I’ve been where you are, I’ve felt that way. You have to find the power within you to pull yourself out of this. You need to find the help you need. I will always be here, I think you know that. You deserve to be happy. You know who you are.