Home.

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I’ve made awesome friends here. I really have, I am so lucky to have found them.

To be quite honest, I think the adjustment would have been too much if we hadn’t come such fast friends.

And I have family here. Family I’ve always dreamed of living near.

But somehow I’m still homesick.

These people I’m surrounded by are amazing.

But they don’t feel quite like home.

My best friends, my parents, my brother, my boyfriend, they are home to me. And no matter where I am, that’s how it’ll be.

I love the people I’m with. I love my new job.

But I really miss the people I’ve always considered home.

Stuck.

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You know, a lot of things have scared me in my life, but nothing like this.

I’ve always been a student, I’ve always had something to do the next day or the next month. 

But here I am.

Stuck.

This limbo I’m in after college is unreal.

Tomorrow I could get a phone call that will land me a job.

Or I couldn’t get one.

This is the first time in my entire life that I have nothing.

Don’t get me wrong. I have more than nothing- I have amazing family and friends.

I just graduated from college, I should be proud.

And I am.

But this terrifying ‘I have no idea where I am going’ feeling is the strongest and most paralyzing feeling I’ve ever felt.

Tomorrow may be the day.

Or maybe I’ll have to find a plan B.

Either way, this uncertainty is crippling.

This Place.

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It’s never easy leaving this place.

It’s always been a second home to me, all of my family is here.

My cousins and I could be so close if I was here all the time.

Living half way across the country is hard sometimes. However, because we don’t see each other all the time, maybe we do get along better and appreciate each other more.

I’m lucky I have this place to come to and have it feel like home.

Words

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It is crazy how words mean different things to different people.

We all know the technical definition of words, but they are truly distinctive to each one of us.

They way you feel and think when you hear the words family, love, and heartbreak is completely different than how anyone else views it.

We all know mother means the woman who gave birth to you. But many different people have contrasting opinions and thoughts of the word mother. People’s own definitions are completely unique based on their experiences.

Everyone defines words in their own way. Making language and communication unique, complicated, and beautiful.

And I love it.

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Sometimes you become the person you never thought you would be. Sometimes its the person you hated, never understood, or never knew existed.

Its okay.

I believe things happen in everyone’s lives that change them. For good.

I will never be that person again. I will never feel that way about life again. I will never.

The person I used to be was amazing. But thats not me anymore.

I’ve had so many things happen to me that changed my views on life and love and sex and growing up and family and morals and happiness and goals and growing old. Thats normal.

I’m not going to look at the world the same way I did when I was 16. I’ve seen things and experienced things and felt things since then that has changed my life forever. That doesn’t mean who I am now is any less than who I was then. I’m just different.

I can’t go back. I don’t think I want to go back. My innocence is gone. I held on to if for a while but I couldn’t anymore. I’m growing up. I’m finding myself. Its not anywhere close to what I thought I’d find. Thats really beautiful, isn’t it?

I don’t look at life the same. I won’t see it the same in a few years and a few more after that. I have to remember that things change and when they do, so will my mind. I’m not that girl I was in high school or that girl I was eight months ago. I’ll never be again.

While I’m growing up, I’m also being irresponsible. I’m living up my life. I’m living in the moment. I’m having fun. I’m becoming more outgoing. I’m 20, I should be enjoying the last bit of my youth. And I am. I’m doing things that I shouldn’t be and learning so much about myself and life.

College really can change a girl. I’m becoming someone unrecognizable. And I love it.

Happy

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I’ve had an epiphany.

Happiness is choice.

Who cares if my friend is pissing me off. Who cares if the guy I like doesn’t feel the same way about me?

I can choose to be happy.

I’m lucky. I’ve got the most amazing family I could imagine. I have really great friends. I have a beautiful opportunity to be in school and go for my dreams.

How could I not be happy?

Sure, some things will go wrong. People will piss me off, school will frustrate me, there will be things I don’t understand. That shouldn’t rule my happiness. I should.

The little things make me happy. Thats all it takes.

I’ve fought depression. I’ve fought it and I’ve beat it. I’m not letting myself go back there. I chose to climb my way out of that hole and be happy. I refuse to fall down it again.

I don’t believe I’ll ever have to stop fighting. However, as long as I have the right outlook, I think it’ll become easier. I am lucky. I am happy.

You know who you are.

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To one of my good friends because you deserve to know this:

“You think that you deserve that pain, but you don’t. I know what it’s like to want to avoid it all, to just need to make it go away, but you can’t. I know that you look in the mirror and feel that it’s all your fault, like there was something you should have done—like in some way, the things that have happened to you were your fault. But, they weren’t. And maybe you look in the mirror and see that, but I look at you and I see someone incredible, who needs to be happy. Whom I need to be happy. You think you deserve to let these things gnaw at your insides, torturing you, but you don’t. You deserve so much better than that. I need you to see that, because you deserve to not walk around with any of this pain. You deserve better, you just have to understand that.” 

I found this a few weeks ago. I wanted to show you it, I wanted you to feel it, understand it. You made a mistake, everyone makes mistakes. You cannot spend your life beating yourself up about it. You deserve better than this. Who your family is and the things that have happened in your life are not your fault. It has to do with their incapacity to love, it has nothing to do with you. There are so many things I wish you could see. I’ve been where you are, I’ve felt that way. You have to find the power within you to pull yourself out of this. You need to find the help you need. I will always be here, I think you know that. You deserve to be happy. You know who you are.

I just want you to be proud of me.

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Dear You,

There are so many things I want you to know. So many things I could never say. You were absolutely the light of my life. You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met. Even to this day, if something awful happened to me and I needed anything, you’d be the first person I’d call. I think if we met in a different lifetime or a few years later, everything would be so different. I was not ready for the immensity of your love. I cherish the friendship we still have today over anyone else’s. I believe its crazy and absolutely beautiful that we still love and care about eachother enough to remain good friends.

Until tonight, its never even been hard for me to be your friend. I haven’t cried or felt sad in months. Since that day, we’ve remained best friends. It was hard at first but we have a perfect balance now. I’ll never forget the love we shared, but sometimes when we are talking it doesn’t even seem like we had this past and rough ending to our love story. It doesn’t seem like I hurt you, even though I’ll never forget that I did.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently. It was true when I told you that I believed I was too young and needed to live my life on my own to discover who I am. I am so happy to have had the oppurtunity to begin that journey and its been going great so far. I am learning so many new things about myself. I am finally getting involved in clubs and making new friends. I’m completely happy. Thats all I want for you too, happiness.

I want you to know that I cherish you and the friendship we share. When the day comes that you find a woman who is wonderful and perfect for you, I hope she understands our friendship and I get the pleasure to meet this lucky woman. I know we both always thought it would be me and I’m sorry that it isn’t. I hope you read this and I hope you have read all of my blogs and know this isn’t as easy for me as you might have thought its been.

I want you to think highly of me and always keep a special place in your heart for me. I love that you always check up on me and my family and still keep me updated about ravens gossip and other random things we used to share. It makes me so happy when you ask about how pa is doing or tell me something that reminded you of my brother. I really want you to always think of me as the girl you once loved, not as the girl who left you unexpectedly. When you think of me, I want you to think of the years we spent together, not that one day. I want you to understand that what I did was for both you and me. I want you to see the growth I have had as a person. Most of all, I just want you to be proud of me. I’m so proud of you and all you are doing. You are going to suceed in life with absolutely no problem.

You have a heart of gold and it shows by the loyality and love you have from your friends and family. God I miss them so much. I got to see your brothers grow so much and your mom was truly a best friend. I am lucky enough that you and I were able to remain friends, but I wish I was still friends with them too. I love to hear about them all, they’re wonderful people. I hope they know I miss and love them. I also hope they do not think poorly of me, but I could understand.

If you read this, I hope it makes you smile, not cry as I am. I hope it helps you understand because I know I left a lot of things unanswered. You will always be my first love.

Love, Me

Why?

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I constantly wonder why I, or anyone really, is here living on the earth and doing what we are doing. I work my ass off at school and my job so that I can eventually work my ass off at my “dream job”

If you think about it, thats what we all do with most of our lives.

But why? So we can eat food, have a house, and buy some things we like.

I’m a very happy and optimistic person. However when I think about this, I really start to think about my insignificance in the world. I’m one of what six or seven billion people on this planet right now. Thats just this planet (yes I believe there are more places with people just like us in this universe). I will live for less than a 100 years on an Earth that is thousands of years old.

I picked a profession where I will be able to change other people’s lives and that is truly something I take pride in. But if I think on a large scale, it just all seems crazy to me.

Sure we spend our weekends and sometimes nights enjoying ourselves, but for me I’m usually always going to class and doing homework. All of that is to get the A I want so that I can plop it on a resume and hope they think I’m good enough for the job.

Once I get the job, I spend 40+ hours a week doing this job, so that I can enjoy the very little time I have away from work.

I really do not know where I am going with this. I think all I’m trying to question is why do we aim to succeed when in a hundred years from now, its not going to matter? Sure we’ll be happy because we did what we thought we were supposed to do. Our parents will die happy and proud. Our children will hopefully inspire to be like us. But after that? I just don’t know.

My parents, my brother, all my other family, and my friends. They all love me and we affect eachother lives daily. Every person in my life brings me happiness. I hope to always bring them happiness as well.

If I had to chose why we live on this earth, I really couldn’t tell you. We all affect eachother in ways I don’t think we’ll ever realize.

I guess tonight you could say I’m feeling like a small piece in a big world. I think we should all remember that sometimes instead of thinking everything is about ourselves.