Home.

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I’ve made awesome friends here. I really have, I am so lucky to have found them.

To be quite honest, I think the adjustment would have been too much if we hadn’t come such fast friends.

And I have family here. Family I’ve always dreamed of living near.

But somehow I’m still homesick.

These people I’m surrounded by are amazing.

But they don’t feel quite like home.

My best friends, my parents, my brother, my boyfriend, they are home to me. And no matter where I am, that’s how it’ll be.

I love the people I’m with. I love my new job.

But I really miss the people I’ve always considered home.

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Best kind.

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I absolutely love those friends you haven’t talked to in months or years and when you do, you go back.

Back to that time in your life when you were close.

I throughly enjoy that I have people I played volleyball with or was friends with that never really stopped being my friend.

Sure they aren’t in my everyday life, but I would still drop everything for those people.

Those friendships I know in 20 years I’ll still be able to call them up and go to lunch with them.

That is the best kind of friend.

Stuck.

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You know, a lot of things have scared me in my life, but nothing like this.

I’ve always been a student, I’ve always had something to do the next day or the next month.¬†

But here I am.

Stuck.

This limbo I’m in after college is unreal.

Tomorrow I could get a phone call that will land me a job.

Or I couldn’t get one.

This is the first time in my entire life that I have nothing.

Don’t get me wrong. I have more than nothing- I have amazing family and friends.

I just graduated from college, I should be proud.

And I am.

But this terrifying ‘I have no idea where I am going’ feeling is the strongest and most paralyzing feeling I’ve ever felt.

Tomorrow may be the day.

Or maybe I’ll have to find a plan B.

Either way, this uncertainty is crippling.

Learn

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My life has been crazy and I’ve made a lot of mistakes.

But looking back, I wouldn’t change a damn thing.¬†

Yesterday I was pondering if I had wasted my time with some things and I realized the answer was no.

Even if it doesn’t seem like it affected my life or taught me anything, it did.

Nothing is a waste of time.

I tell my students that all the time.

Every single thing in a person’s life is a learning experience. Whether its school, their love life, social life, sports. Anything and everything. There is never a second that goes by where we don’t learn something new.

How is that not the coolest thing?

18 and naive

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Dear 18 year old self,

You finally ended high school. I know you could not wait to get out of there, too many years with the same people. Remember who your true friends are, three of them will still be texting you, snapchatting (you’ll understand in a few years), and being there for you. Don’t take their silence during the semester as they don’t want to see you on breaks. You’ll be the first person they text.

I know you’re in love but in a few years, you’ll realize that even though he’s a great guy, he isn’t the one for you. You’ll learn that once again later in college. Heartbreak sucks. It’ll take a while to get over and you won’t even know who you are. It is okay. You’ll find yourself. You’ll make A LOT of mistakes, don’t regret them. Don’t regret them because you have awful judgmental friends. Right in the prime of your heartbreak- you’ll meet the best friend you’ll ever have. She’ll surprise you, make you laugh, and always be there for dressing up and going out. Always.

Physics is going to suck- don’t worry about it too much. You’ll manage the rest of college just fine. You will eventually get an iPhone! Congrats, enjoy mom’s flip phone after you break your current one. Teaching is where you are supposed to be. Even those days when you’re not sure- you’ll learn soon enough you couldn’t do anything else with your life.¬†Freshman and sophomore year you will have an amazing roommate. Don’t take her for granted, she won’t always be around.

Don’t judge a book by its cover. People will surprise you. You will surprise you.

My most important advice: Live it up. It is over before you know it. It is okay to stay out late, it’s okay the spend that money, its okay to kiss that boy. Don’t regret a thing.

I’m proud of who you are and you are going to love this roller coaster we go through called college.

With love,

You at 22.

Proud.

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Its only a little more than a month until I graduate from college. The end of an amazing era and the start of another. Its mind blowing, exhilarating, and also terrifying. I am so proud of myself. I have pushed myself to be the best me I can be. I had my first interview for a teaching job yesterday. I did not get a second interview. But that is okay. It was my first one, I was nervous, and I did the best I could. Sometimes it is just not a fit.

I have truly been living up the last few months of college. I’m going out on weeknights. I’ve been saying you know what: yes I would love to do this with you. I’m spending money I don’t have and spending as much time with my friends as I can. Because its never going to be like this again, ever. I am okay with that and not okay with that in every way possible.

My entire floor is covered with clean laundry because I have not had the time-or care- to spend folding it. I’m spending it with my friends. I’m spending it attempting to be the best goddamn student teacher I can be.

I am so proud of where I am today. It might not be where I expected. And my life might be a mess. But I couldn’t be happier right where I am in my own crazy world.

First Impressions

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My entire life I’ve always been shy and quiet when first meeting people. Some people make me feel comfortable enough that I can open up, but not most. I’ve been told recently that I seem standoffish and cold.

Once people get to know me, they see the real me. But sometime you don’t get past those first impressions.

Obviously I’ve gotten various jobs and other things where I had to interview, I made a good impression then. Why can’t I when I first meet people who could be my friends?

I wish I knew what I was doing to make people feel this way. I never viewed myself as coming off rude, just quiet. I guess it all depends on who is judging you. People are too quick to judge.

Then again, it could just be me.

 

 

Right after I wrote this I saw this:

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