Its only a little more than a month until I graduate from college. The end of an amazing era and the start of another. Its mind blowing, exhilarating, and also terrifying. I am so proud of myself. I have pushed myself to be the best me I can be. I had my first interview for a teaching job yesterday. I did not get a second interview. But that is okay. It was my first one, I was nervous, and I did the best I could. Sometimes it is just not a fit.
I have truly been living up the last few months of college. I’m going out on weeknights. I’ve been saying you know what: yes I would love to do this with you. I’m spending money I don’t have and spending as much time with my friends as I can. Because its never going to be like this again, ever. I am okay with that and not okay with that in every way possible.
My entire floor is covered with clean laundry because I have not had the time-or care- to spend folding it. I’m spending it with my friends. I’m spending it attempting to be the best goddamn student teacher I can be.
I am so proud of where I am today. It might not be where I expected. And my life might be a mess. But I couldn’t be happier right where I am in my own crazy world.
I think sometimes people don’t understand the meaning of being a friend. If someone is happy, what makes someone think they can tell them what they are doing is wrong? I understand that all people have their opinions, but forcing them onto your friend? Its one thing to voice your opinion, its another to start drama over it. I think every person’s life is their choice. They decide what makes them happy and ultimately, nobody else really has a say. I think people get too wrapped up in their thoughts to take a second and step back. If your friend is happy, why are you the one upsetting them over something? Especially when that something isn’t any of your business.
My most true friends are the ones who I know will accept me and love me and never judge me for anything I do. I have two people in my life that I can truly say that about. And you know what, they are the only two people I really tell anything to. Because they understand that I am who I am and being my friend means accepting me for that. They never try to change me. They, while they tell me their takes and opinions, never force them on me or expect me to agree with them. They realize my life is mine.
I know friendships are about making the other person better. However, sometimes the only person who can know whats good for them is them. If they aren’t getting hurt and they are happy, who are you to step in? If they and all the people involved did nothing wrong, how is it your place to tell them what makes them happy isn’t right?
I have always been a firm believer that it is better to have a few good friends than a bunch of okay friends. I think it has always just been a way for me to justify the lack of friends I have.
I realize its my fault. I come off guarded, there are very few people who understand me enough that I feel comfortable around. I think my inability to let people in has left me with very few good friends.
Don’t get my wrong, the friends I have are the best I could ever ask for. That is also part of the problem, I don’t accept anything but the best. Unless you’re a true and good friend, I don’t really care to be your friend.
All and all, the days and nights that I do end up sitting home alone, they’re my fault. Half because I enjoy being alone, half because I can’t figure out how to hold onto many friendships.
I’m a kind person, I’m a lot of fun to be around, and I’m a good friend. Its not that I don’t have anything to offer. It has been like this my entire life. I thank the wonderful friends I do have for putting up with me.
But sometimes, I can’t help but wish I had more people. Or the people I do have would have time or would like to hang out with me as much as I do them.
I need to learn to let people in.