It may be a month late, but I’ve discovered my new year’s resolution. Something I want to do for the rest of my life. I need to begin to live in the present. Cliche, I know. Forget the past, forget the future. Live for now. I spent the majority of my last relationship wishing, hoping, and waiting for the future that I didn’t even enjoy what I had at the time. I’ve spent countless nights worrying about my past. While yes the past has made me who I am, I do not need to dwell on it. I am happy where I am today. I have exactly what I want. I don’t need to worry about tomorrow or next month or next year, I need to worry about today and right now. It is all that matters.
I just read my best friend’s blog entry about how she wasn’t exactly sure what she wanted once she graduated from college. I have been lucky enough to know I’ve wanted to be a teacher since I was a little girl. While I may know the career I will choose after I graduate, what about the other stuff?
I always assumed I’d meet the man of my dreams and we’d have tons of babies and live happily ever after. I seem to now think thats all just a fantasy. I think everyday I go back and forth. One day I think I want to fall in love, get married, and extend the family farther and other days I think I’d rather just enjoy my life with the friends and family I already have.
I really don’t think I can chose today. While I want to be single right now, who knows what I’ll want five or ten years from now, my life will be entirely different. The same thing can be said if I do find someone worth spending time with. How am I supposed to know what and who will make me happy twenty or fourty years from now? I think I may have just understood why people get divorced. I understand the feeling of waking up and realizing you don’t like who you are in this relationship. Hell, I don’t like myself in a relationship ever. I get needy and clingy and a whole lot less fun.
I cannot even decide where I’d like to live. Because of teacher ceritificates it would be easiest to stay in good ol’ PA. Something tells me I should be living in California or something. Will I rent an apartment or a house? How invovled will I get in my students lives, will I coach volleyball or be on the dance commitee? Will I convert to all organic like I’ve always wanted? I guess I won’t know until it happens.
I guess if I had to decide what I wanted for my life after I graduate, its just to be happy. There is no way to know what will make me happy in the future. I only know what will make me happy now, and that is how I plan to live.