Proud.

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Its only a little more than a month until I graduate from college. The end of an amazing era and the start of another. Its mind blowing, exhilarating, and also terrifying. I am so proud of myself. I have pushed myself to be the best me I can be. I had my first interview for a teaching job yesterday. I did not get a second interview. But that is okay. It was my first one, I was nervous, and I did the best I could. Sometimes it is just not a fit.

I have truly been living up the last few months of college. I’m going out on weeknights. I’ve been saying you know what: yes I would love to do this with you. I’m spending money I don’t have and spending as much time with my friends as I can. Because its never going to be like this again, ever. I am okay with that and not okay with that in every way possible.

My entire floor is covered with clean laundry because I have not had the time-or care- to spend folding it. I’m spending it with my friends. I’m spending it attempting to be the best goddamn student teacher I can be.

I am so proud of where I am today. It might not be where I expected. And my life might be a mess. But I couldn’t be happier right where I am in my own crazy world.

Future

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I just read my best friend’s blog entry about how she wasn’t exactly sure what she wanted once she graduated from college. I have been lucky enough to know I’ve wanted to be a teacher since I was a little girl. While I may know the career I will choose after I graduate, what about the other stuff?

I always assumed I’d meet the man of my dreams and we’d have tons of babies and live happily ever after. I seem to now think thats all just a fantasy. I think everyday I go back and forth. One day I think I want to fall in love, get married, and extend the family farther and other days I think I’d rather just enjoy my life with the friends and family I already have.

I really don’t think I can chose today. While I want to be single right now, who knows what I’ll want five or ten years from now, my life will be entirely different. The same thing can be said if I do find someone worth spending time with. How am I supposed to know what and who will make me happy twenty or fourty years from now? I think I may have just understood why people get divorced. I understand the feeling of waking up and realizing you don’t like who you are in this relationship. Hell, I don’t like myself in a relationship ever. I get needy and clingy and a whole lot less fun.

I cannot even decide where I’d like to live. Because of teacher ceritificates it would be easiest to stay in good ol’ PA. Something tells me I should be living in California or something. Will I rent an apartment or a house? How invovled will I get in my students lives, will I coach volleyball or be on the dance commitee? Will I convert to all organic like I’ve always wanted? I guess I won’t know until it happens.

I guess if I had to decide what I wanted for my life after I graduate, its just to be happy. There is no way to know what will make me happy in the future. I only know what will make me happy now, and that is how I plan to live.