I’ve always been someone who forgives, but second chances have always been hard. I have always given people that chance but it never really worked out. The person disappointed me or things were never the same again.
I gave someone a second chance too quickly and it turned out to be the biggest lesson I’ve ever learned in my life.
And here I am, years later, giving them another.
I decided there was no reason not to. The differences I’ve seen in my life over the past years are life changing. I believe that this could be the same for them.
I’ve decided to not look at it as a second chance, but to look at it as a new beginning.
For the longest time growing up, I thought the one for me would find me. I thought he would come to me and I’d never second guess if he was it or not. It wasn’t until I became a little older that I realized I had a say in who I wanted to be with. It wasn’t until I matured that I saw that it was my choice and they had to work to impress me too.
In disney movies, the guy showed up and that was it. But I realized, that’s not how it works.
The guy shows up, you fall in love, and a year or three later, you see he isn’t it.
You see that you have the power to make that choice.
Its only a little more than a month until I graduate from college. The end of an amazing era and the start of another. Its mind blowing, exhilarating, and also terrifying. I am so proud of myself. I have pushed myself to be the best me I can be. I had my first interview for a teaching job yesterday. I did not get a second interview. But that is okay. It was my first one, I was nervous, and I did the best I could. Sometimes it is just not a fit.
I have truly been living up the last few months of college. I’m going out on weeknights. I’ve been saying you know what: yes I would love to do this with you. I’m spending money I don’t have and spending as much time with my friends as I can. Because its never going to be like this again, ever. I am okay with that and not okay with that in every way possible.
My entire floor is covered with clean laundry because I have not had the time-or care- to spend folding it. I’m spending it with my friends. I’m spending it attempting to be the best goddamn student teacher I can be.
I am so proud of where I am today. It might not be where I expected. And my life might be a mess. But I couldn’t be happier right where I am in my own crazy world.
Have you ever felt like you’re too happy? Everything is going right and you’re in a good place and then you realize something. You realize that its too good to be true. You get paranoid. You start to think about all the ways things could go wrong. You can’t be this happy. Its not possible. You sit around waiting for something to happen. You expect something to get messed up. That is how your life has always been.
I’m scared. Okay? For once in life my life, I’m doing everything I want to do. I’ve always been a happy person, I’m optimistic and see the good side of things. But this is different. I couldn’t complain about a single thing. Okay my back hurts today, but that doesn’t count. I’m on top of the world. And you know what that means. I’ve got no where to go but down.
Its been bothering me that I haven’t had much to write about. I haven’t had the urge recently to pour out whatever is going on in my mind. But then I realized something. It is because I’m happy. Sure I had a very stressful week, but I didn’t need this blog to de-stress. I have found wonderful friends to do that, friends that listen and comfort and care. My blogs have always been my confusion, hurt, or anger. I’ve had some happy ones, but they are mostly me being optimistic about what I’m feeling and where I am going. I miss writing though. I guess I need to find a way to express my happiness through writing too.