Best Friend.

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It dawned on me today. I finally figured out when it hit me you weren’t the one for me.

You told me I wasn’t you’re best friend. 

How were you in love with me if I wasn’t your best friend?

How could I possibly spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn’t consider me their best friend?

I couldn’t.

And I didn’t.

The person I am going to end up with will be my best friend and I will be his.

No ifs, ands, or butts.

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Words

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It is crazy how words mean different things to different people.

We all know the technical definition of words, but they are truly distinctive to each one of us.

They way you feel and think when you hear the words family, love, and heartbreak is completely different than how anyone else views it.

We all know mother means the woman who gave birth to you. But many different people have contrasting opinions and thoughts of the word mother. People’s own definitions are completely unique based on their experiences.

Everyone defines words in their own way. Making language and communication unique, complicated, and beautiful.

Understand.

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I guess I just don’t get it. I don’t think I ever will. How is it possible to love someone and one day wake up realizing its not enough anymore? How is it possible to see your life with someone just to later fall out of love with them? 

My mind changes all the time. I guess I’m naive to think that at 18, or 20, or even 22 that I could be in a point in my life that I could settle down and be happy with one person. I’ve had two beautiful, happy, and true loves. In both situations I was all in. Until slowly, quietly, I realized they weren’t the one for me.

Will it always happen like that? Will I always one day wake up and feel different? 

I don’t understand how or why it happens. I guess over time you realize that person isn’t your person. They may have been your person for a while, but they aren’t anymore. 

I’m afraid to ever get in another relationship because I don’t want this pattern to continue. I’ve never been very good at being single but I know its what I need. 

I thought I was careful last time. We took it so slow at the beginning, I was careful because I didn’t want what happened to happen. 

I don’t want it to ever happen again.

How can I change my mind so quickly and so concretely like that?

18 and naive

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Dear 18 year old self,

You finally ended high school. I know you could not wait to get out of there, too many years with the same people. Remember who your true friends are, three of them will still be texting you, snapchatting (you’ll understand in a few years), and being there for you. Don’t take their silence during the semester as they don’t want to see you on breaks. You’ll be the first person they text.

I know you’re in love but in a few years, you’ll realize that even though he’s a great guy, he isn’t the one for you. You’ll learn that once again later in college. Heartbreak sucks. It’ll take a while to get over and you won’t even know who you are. It is okay. You’ll find yourself. You’ll make A LOT of mistakes, don’t regret them. Don’t regret them because you have awful judgmental friends. Right in the prime of your heartbreak- you’ll meet the best friend you’ll ever have. She’ll surprise you, make you laugh, and always be there for dressing up and going out. Always.

Physics is going to suck- don’t worry about it too much. You’ll manage the rest of college just fine. You will eventually get an iPhone! Congrats, enjoy mom’s flip phone after you break your current one. Teaching is where you are supposed to be. Even those days when you’re not sure- you’ll learn soon enough you couldn’t do anything else with your life. Freshman and sophomore year you will have an amazing roommate. Don’t take her for granted, she won’t always be around.

Don’t judge a book by its cover. People will surprise you. You will surprise you.

My most important advice: Live it up. It is over before you know it. It is okay to stay out late, it’s okay the spend that money, its okay to kiss that boy. Don’t regret a thing.

I’m proud of who you are and you are going to love this roller coaster we go through called college.

With love,

You at 22.

Love is funny

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Love is funny, you know? It can surprise you. It can stop you dead in your tracks. It can trick you. It can be the best and worst things to happen to you. It can end quicker than it started. It can fade and it can leave in an instant. It is so desired yet so terrifying.

No matter what you do- its there. Whether you’re feeling it, craving it, or haunted by it. You’ll never be able to explain it. You’ll never know why it didn’t work out with some people. You’ll never truly understand why.

Here I am again

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Here I am again. Sitting in my bed heartbroken and confused. A feeling I’ve know far too many times. The feelings I felt when I started this blog. I have a feeling I’ll be back again a lot. Writing has always been there for me in the rough times. I begin to write and I just start to understand what I feel and my thoughts get sorted out.

I wish I could put my finger on the point when everything changed. I don’t understand how I can go from being madly in love to breaking up with someone. What happened and how did it all happen so fast?

I guess only time will tell.

 

On another note:

I found out that a dear old friend of mine’s ex boyfriend committed suicide this past weekend. First I want to say that I am praying for her, her family, and his family. I cannot even imagine how they are feeling right now. It really makes you think about how precious life is. Love you Alyssa, I hope you find strength.

Love.

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We all have something to do with love. We are either searching for it, hiding from it, living with it, trying to get over it, trying to hold on to it, or trying to let go of it.

I’d really like to say love controls our lives. I really believe it does.

There are the people who are single, searching for love. They are going on dates and trying to find mr. or mrs. right (or right now). There are those in the new found relationships. Learning about the other person and falling in love. There are those in complicated relationships, maybe with commitment issues. There are those who have been in love for years, the spark still there. There are those who have also been in love for years, trying their best to hold onto it. There are those who have just got their heart broken, swearing off love. That’s most people. There are those who can’t seem to let go off someone from their past. There are those people so terrified of love that they lock themselves away or just sleep with anyone in sight.

Then there is me. I really don’t think I fit into any of those categories. A few months ago, I broke up with someone I was in a relationship with for a while. I am in no way ready for another relationship. The idea of love and a relationship doesn’t sound appealing yet. I guess you can say I’m just living life trying to not think about love.

But let’s be honest, we all think about love. Plus there’s this guy.

Of course there is.

I’d have to say I’m pretty numb to the idea of love. I think he is too. I guess putting yourself fully into something and not having it work can do that to you. I would never say I am heartbroken or that I’d change anything. But all my experiences have made me numb.

I’d like to know when the numbness will go away. Will I ever be able to feel something for someone? Will anyone ever make me want to be a relationship? Will I ever fall in love again, will anyone ever fall in love with me?

As I said, I’m not ready for love right now, but I hope one day I will be able to welcome it with open arms.