Stuck.

Standard

You know, a lot of things have scared me in my life, but nothing like this.

I’ve always been a student, I’ve always had something to do the next day or the next month. 

But here I am.

Stuck.

This limbo I’m in after college is unreal.

Tomorrow I could get a phone call that will land me a job.

Or I couldn’t get one.

This is the first time in my entire life that I have nothing.

Don’t get me wrong. I have more than nothing- I have amazing family and friends.

I just graduated from college, I should be proud.

And I am.

But this terrifying ‘I have no idea where I am going’ feeling is the strongest and most paralyzing feeling I’ve ever felt.

Tomorrow may be the day.

Or maybe I’ll have to find a plan B.

Either way, this uncertainty is crippling.

Adult

Standard

This is the craziest week. I have gotten two calls for interviews this week for teaching.

Like for my big kid real life job.

I cannot even wrap my head around it. Student teaching has been a whirlwind and I know without a doubt teaching is where I am supposed to be. However, I cannot believe I’m at this stage in my life.

I just took a moment because I was tearing up with happiness.

All the work I’ve put in. All the sleepless nights, doubts, and mental break downs, they’ve brought me here. If I feel like this now I cannot even imagine how I am going to feel when (if) I get a job.

Every once in a while a student will ask me what my last day is and are generally sad that I won’t be around the whole year. No better feeling than that.

Enjoy every step of the journey

Aside

I spend my entire week working my ass of in school. I’m either in classes, studying, doing homework, or in meetings or other various events for school or clubs I am in. While my friends are around doing fun stuff, I’m locking myself in my room or parking my butt at the library and working hard.

I never complain about this. It is my choice to work as hard as I do to succeed. I know exactly what I want and I work everyday to get it.

My job is to be a student. I’ll save my social life for the weekends, if I have the time. I don’t need to spend everyday with my friends to feel like I’m cool or that I have a life. My true friends and I don’t need to spend everyday together in order to know we are close.

I am in college to get a degree to get my dream job. The social life is a beautiful bonus that I do take advantage of. But thats not why I’m here. I’m here to earn the A in that class, learn from experiences in clubs, and prepare myself for everything I’ve ever wanted. Being able to help people through my clubs is another beautiful bonus I am lucky to have.

I know too many people who view college as a playground and treat classes as if they aren’t important. I’m using college as a stepping stone to get where I’m going. If you’re not here for that reason, why are you here?

Image

Future

Standard

I just read my best friend’s blog entry about how she wasn’t exactly sure what she wanted once she graduated from college. I have been lucky enough to know I’ve wanted to be a teacher since I was a little girl. While I may know the career I will choose after I graduate, what about the other stuff?

I always assumed I’d meet the man of my dreams and we’d have tons of babies and live happily ever after. I seem to now think thats all just a fantasy. I think everyday I go back and forth. One day I think I want to fall in love, get married, and extend the family farther and other days I think I’d rather just enjoy my life with the friends and family I already have.

I really don’t think I can chose today. While I want to be single right now, who knows what I’ll want five or ten years from now, my life will be entirely different. The same thing can be said if I do find someone worth spending time with. How am I supposed to know what and who will make me happy twenty or fourty years from now? I think I may have just understood why people get divorced. I understand the feeling of waking up and realizing you don’t like who you are in this relationship. Hell, I don’t like myself in a relationship ever. I get needy and clingy and a whole lot less fun.

I cannot even decide where I’d like to live. Because of teacher ceritificates it would be easiest to stay in good ol’ PA. Something tells me I should be living in California or something. Will I rent an apartment or a house? How invovled will I get in my students lives, will I coach volleyball or be on the dance commitee? Will I convert to all organic like I’ve always wanted? I guess I won’t know until it happens.

I guess if I had to decide what I wanted for my life after I graduate, its just to be happy. There is no way to know what will make me happy in the future. I only know what will make me happy now, and that is how I plan to live.

Why?

Standard

I constantly wonder why I, or anyone really, is here living on the earth and doing what we are doing. I work my ass off at school and my job so that I can eventually work my ass off at my “dream job”

If you think about it, thats what we all do with most of our lives.

But why? So we can eat food, have a house, and buy some things we like.

I’m a very happy and optimistic person. However when I think about this, I really start to think about my insignificance in the world. I’m one of what six or seven billion people on this planet right now. Thats just this planet (yes I believe there are more places with people just like us in this universe). I will live for less than a 100 years on an Earth that is thousands of years old.

I picked a profession where I will be able to change other people’s lives and that is truly something I take pride in. But if I think on a large scale, it just all seems crazy to me.

Sure we spend our weekends and sometimes nights enjoying ourselves, but for me I’m usually always going to class and doing homework. All of that is to get the A I want so that I can plop it on a resume and hope they think I’m good enough for the job.

Once I get the job, I spend 40+ hours a week doing this job, so that I can enjoy the very little time I have away from work.

I really do not know where I am going with this. I think all I’m trying to question is why do we aim to succeed when in a hundred years from now, its not going to matter? Sure we’ll be happy because we did what we thought we were supposed to do. Our parents will die happy and proud. Our children will hopefully inspire to be like us. But after that? I just don’t know.

My parents, my brother, all my other family, and my friends. They all love me and we affect eachother lives daily. Every person in my life brings me happiness. I hope to always bring them happiness as well.

If I had to chose why we live on this earth, I really couldn’t tell you. We all affect eachother in ways I don’t think we’ll ever realize.

I guess tonight you could say I’m feeling like a small piece in a big world. I think we should all remember that sometimes instead of thinking everything is about ourselves.