I am becoming everything I’ve always hated. I am doing things I judged people for doing. I am doing everything I frowned down upon. Did I just not know what it felt like? Did I never know what it felt like to be alone and heartbroken? I never thought of it as a coping mechanism. I never understood why anyone would be like this. Until I became everything I hated. Its how I feel good about myself, it makes me happy. But only in the moment. Afterwards, or even before, I know its not what I want. I cannot stop myself. I’m everything I never wanted to be. I’ve tried to change. I’ve tried to go back. This isn’t me. This isn’t me. Why can’t I stop? God I sound like a drug addict. I’m not. My morals have just been completely readjusted over a matter of a few months. Who am I anymore?
My last post talked about never being able to truly understand someone, no matter how close you are to them. Today, I want to talk about people you don’t know thinking they know you. You know my name, you know my face, maybe you’ve talked to me or heard me talk to other people, you’ve heard stories about me, you’ve labeled me. You don’t know me. You know nothing about me or my past or what I’ve been through. We all do it though. I’ve done it. I hear a story or two about someone and assume I know who they are. I don’t, you don’t, nobody does. I’m not trying to preach don’t judge people. We all do and we all always will. Next time you assume something about someone, think about all the things you’ve done that people could assume about you. Recently, I have done a lot of things that are out of my character. I’m not proud of them and they aren’t me. But people will assume that that is me and they’ll never be able to get that out of their head. To be honest, I do not care if they think that. My friends know what I am going through and know why I am coping the way I am. They accept me as the imperfect human that I am.
“I am who I am today because of the choices I made yesterday.” -Eleanor Roosevelt
I recently read this quote and fell madly in love with it. Recently I’ve made a lot of decisions that has changed me as a person and taught me things about myself that I never knew. But no matter what decisions I make, it is nobody else’s business. I do not care if you approve of my decisions, I do not care what you think I am because of my decisions. My choices are exactly that, mine. You have no influence on my decisions and have no right to judge me on them. I know when my decisions are mistakes, you don’t need to remind me. I know when I go about my decisions the wrong way, you do not need to judge me. I know the decisions I made, but that does not make me the words you are calling me. All of the decisions and choices I make are mine. They change me as a person. They don’t affect you or your life, so don’t worry about them. I have made so many choices recently and while they may not have been my best decisions, they made me who I am today. I would not change that for anything. Choices and mistakes are lessons. I learn from them all. I don’t need anyone telling me otherwise. My good friends will support me no matter what I do. That’s exactly what they do. If you’re not here to support me, I dont need you, or want you, in my life. They can tell me I’m wrong, I’ll probably agree, but I only need to hear it once. The friends I have who don’t judge me for the mistakes I make and realize I’m human and not perfect, they are my true friends. You are not.