Stuck.

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You know, a lot of things have scared me in my life, but nothing like this.

I’ve always been a student, I’ve always had something to do the next day or the next month. 

But here I am.

Stuck.

This limbo I’m in after college is unreal.

Tomorrow I could get a phone call that will land me a job.

Or I couldn’t get one.

This is the first time in my entire life that I have nothing.

Don’t get me wrong. I have more than nothing- I have amazing family and friends.

I just graduated from college, I should be proud.

And I am.

But this terrifying ‘I have no idea where I am going’ feeling is the strongest and most paralyzing feeling I’ve ever felt.

Tomorrow may be the day.

Or maybe I’ll have to find a plan B.

Either way, this uncertainty is crippling.

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Different

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I’ve always believed people can’t change. I’ve always thought that people are who they are and their core doesn’t differ.

But I’ve been proven wrong. I’ve proven myself wrong.

In the last few years, the core of who I am and what I believe, think, and feel are completely new.

I just never realized this until someone I once knew came back into my life.

Who I am, how I think about myself, life, and love have all been altered completely.

I encourage people to take a look back and notice the differences. 

Leap.

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Sometimes you’ve just got to leap.

So many things in life are terrifying and unpredictable. So many things are safer if you stay away.

But is that really living?

If we don’t take that leap of faith on a person or a job or any opportunity, how will be ever be truly happy?

Put yourself in a position where even if you’re not sure, you go for it anyways.

There is nothing more rewarding than going after something that scares you.

If it doesn’t work out, at least you know you gave it everything you had.

Learn

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My life has been crazy and I’ve made a lot of mistakes.

But looking back, I wouldn’t change a damn thing. 

Yesterday I was pondering if I had wasted my time with some things and I realized the answer was no.

Even if it doesn’t seem like it affected my life or taught me anything, it did.

Nothing is a waste of time.

I tell my students that all the time.

Every single thing in a person’s life is a learning experience. Whether its school, their love life, social life, sports. Anything and everything. There is never a second that goes by where we don’t learn something new.

How is that not the coolest thing?

Embrace.

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My life never ends up how I expect it to. I think that is one of the most beautiful things about life. You can plan for things and expects things and they don’t turn out that way. Usually they turn out the complete opposite.

I will never know what tomorrow brings. The future is unwritten. I can change it anytime I want. I never thought my life would be as it is right now. Last year I would have slapped you or laughed in your face if you told me this is where I’d be. I can pretty much say that about every year of my life.

Things change, slowly, but when you look back, they happen rather quickly. Life is unexpected. As soon as you assume something, life flips you upside down on your ass.

It can be a roller coaster  but would you really want it any other way?

If I could plan out my future just how I want it, sure I’d be happy. But I wouldn’t end up where I’m supposed to be.

Embrace the changes, the broken expectations, and the assumptions that were totally wrong.

What If?

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Every day of my life I seem to have a constant battle in my head.

I want to take the little amount of money I have and run off to Europe and never come back.

I’ll take in all the cultures of the world, working random jobs, and live a life I could never even dream of. Even to do that for a year, I think it would change my life completely.

But then there is the rational side of me. Stay in college, spend your life teaching as you’ve always dreamed and use that money you have saved up to pay off school loans.

I constantly wonder if I can have both. I could teach to children in so many different countries.

I could change their lives.

And mine.

I always tell people that I’m going to join the peace corps if I can’t find a job after graduation. I don’t think they really think I’d do that.

Its my dream. Spend two years in a foreign and most likely developing country teaching children and learning about the world and myself in the most beautiful ways possible.

Everyone always says they want to travel. I know people who go on vacations and can’t wait to go home. I never want to go home.

My ideal life would be traveling around the world being a clean energy activist and changing the world one windmill or solar panel at a time.

If I can’t do that, I will be a plain ordinary teacher in the United States. I’ll be happy and I’ll still travel with my summers off.

But I know I’ll always wonder what if.

What if I spent a year or two traveling Europe, or Africa, or Australia? Would I ever come back?

What if I got the opportunity to teach to other cultures?

What if I lived my dream?

I hope I won’t have to ask.

Happiness

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I am currently writing a paper on land ethic and how we should use the land we are given. I am so overwhelmed with thoughts about how we should use our time on earth as individuals that I must get it out through this blog before I word vomit all over this paper about something completely irrelevant.

I have come to realize that I am living this life for myself only. Yes, I have wonderful people in my life I’d do anything for. Ultimately I have to live to make myself happy. If I am not happy, how are the people around me supposed to be happy. I believe happiness, confidence, morality, friendship, outlooks on life, and much more are very contagious. If my friends are in a bad mood, it brings my mood down. I’ve seen my outlooks on life changed the outlooks of my friends. Even if only a little bit, it’s all contagious.

Okay whoa tangent. Back to what we should use our time here on. I have picked a profession in which I will not be rich and be able to take fancy vacations and buy whatever I want. I picked a profession that will make me happy. I learned a long time ago that money is not happiness.

For me, happiness has always been teaching. The moment that person finally gets something they have been struggling with or when someone understands something because of the way I explain it to them, that’s happiness to me.

Standing in my pool with my parents and brother chatting about life and nothing in particular or making shortbread with them around christmas, that’s happiness to me.

Sitting shotty in one of my best friend’s car serenading her or driving to the beach with another one of my best friends making my car shake from dancing in traffic, that’s happiness to me.

Tearing down a house just to build it back up for someone in need, that’s happiness to me.

Sitting in a stupid car for 18 damn hours every year to see my cousins and their laughs and watching them grow up, that’s happiness to me.

Learning about science, chemistry, anything really, that’s happiness to me.

I think every single person needs to really sit down and think what really makes them happy. My brother is an accountant. I do not know how I could ever do that with my life. But when I see him talk about it, I know that’s his happiness.

For every single person its going to be completely different. I could never expect someone to need or want the same things I want in life. Its their life, not mine. I think that’s what makes the world a beautiful and unique place.

I also think that’s what makes the world sad too. Most people have no idea what actually makes them happy. I am in college for the sole reason that it will get me to be a teacher which will bring me happiness. Most people are here because society or their parents tell them they have to be.

I am one lucky person. I have an amazing home life, friends, and really have not had too much to deal with in my life. I could understand why people think it might be easy for me to be happy. This may be true. However, I really believe it’s because I know what makes me happy and I reach for that every single moment of my life.