Proud.

Standard

Its only a little more than a month until I graduate from college. The end of an amazing era and the start of another. Its mind blowing, exhilarating, and also terrifying. I am so proud of myself. I have pushed myself to be the best me I can be. I had my first interview for a teaching job yesterday. I did not get a second interview. But that is okay. It was my first one, I was nervous, and I did the best I could. Sometimes it is just not a fit.

I have truly been living up the last few months of college. I’m going out on weeknights. I’ve been saying you know what: yes I would love to do this with you. I’m spending money I don’t have and spending as much time with my friends as I can. Because its never going to be like this again, ever. I am okay with that and not okay with that in every way possible.

My entire floor is covered with clean laundry because I have not had the time-or care- to spend folding it. I’m spending it with my friends. I’m spending it attempting to be the best goddamn student teacher I can be.

I am so proud of where I am today. It might not be where I expected. And my life might be a mess. But I couldn’t be happier right where I am in my own crazy world.

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What would I do?

Aside

If you are a regular reader, you know how I’ve preached the benefits and my love for the single life. I got to thinking, what if I actually meet someone who makes me want to leave the single life behind. Do I stick to my guns and remain in this life of freedom and finding myself. Or do I give in and see what this potential person has to offer?

I don’t ever want to miss an opportunity. I have said no in my life and missed things. I don’t want to miss anything. Whether it be because of my┬ápreconceived┬ánotions on love or just the fact that I’m scared.

But I really believe in the beauty of being with yourself and loving yourself. I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship. But I think if I meet someone special enough, I might be.

I guess that I’ll be ready for a relationship when I find someone worth spending my time with. I’m not going to go looking. But if he shows up or has shown up, I think I’ll be ready.

I’m not looking for a boyfriend. I’m not looking for anything. But if I meet someone who makes me feel something, I would have to say I’d go for it.

Maybe that makes me a hypocrite. Maybe that makes everything I’ve said not valid. But if the opportunity comes knocking, I would at least put a crack in the door, not keep it locked as I would have before.

Maybe it’s because I’ve moved on. Hell yes! No, I don’t think it’s that.

Maybe it’s because I’m lonely. No, I’m completely happy being by myself.

Maybe enough time has passed and I am finally out of my dark hole.

Whatever it is, it seems to me my views have changed. Maybe someone has made me see that. Maybe seeing happy couples have put faith back into my soul.

I’m not looking. I’m not hoping. I’m not expecting.

But if someone comes along, I’ll be ready.

I’m sorry.

Aside

I have nothing to be mad about. I have nothing to hate you for. I have no excuse for why it didn’t work out. I have absolutely nothing that tells me you weren’t perfect for me. How am I supposed to move on? All I have is that one week I woke up feeling different that I had any other day the past three years. All I have is that I acted on impulse. All I have is a phone call that completely altered my entire life. I don’t remember what I felt or why I did what I did. I remember how you treated me, how happy you made me, and how you loved me. Am I remembering it better than it was? For a while after, I was confident I made the right decision. Am I forgetting why I made this decision? All I’m thinking tonight is that I ended something wonderful because I was too stubborn and scared to work it out. I felt trapped, so why didn’t I just ask for room? I can’t change what I did. It was my decision. I thought I had moved on, only to be more confused now than I was the day after. I miss you more everyday. I’m sorry.