Stuck.

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You know, a lot of things have scared me in my life, but nothing like this.

I’ve always been a student, I’ve always had something to do the next day or the next month. 

But here I am.

Stuck.

This limbo I’m in after college is unreal.

Tomorrow I could get a phone call that will land me a job.

Or I couldn’t get one.

This is the first time in my entire life that I have nothing.

Don’t get me wrong. I have more than nothing- I have amazing family and friends.

I just graduated from college, I should be proud.

And I am.

But this terrifying ‘I have no idea where I am going’ feeling is the strongest and most paralyzing feeling I’ve ever felt.

Tomorrow may be the day.

Or maybe I’ll have to find a plan B.

Either way, this uncertainty is crippling.

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First.

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3 1/2 weeks. That is all the time I have left. That is it.

You’re my first students. You’re the reasons I know I am exactly where I need to be. You’ve taught me so much about myself, life, and the crazy crazy world of teaching.

I never thought I’d be so emotional over it, but its finally coming to an end.

I won’t get to see your smiling faces everyday. I won’t get to hear all the “Hi Miss Simpson!”s and I won’t be able to answer all your ridiculous questions anymore.

I won’t get to laugh everyday with you. You guys give me the truest laughs. I will no longer have to yell at you because you’re kids and its Friday afternoon and you’re driving me crazy.

I will miss your energy and how it somehow has rubbed off onto me. I’ve never felt more alive.

Today was probably one of my proudest days so far. The one section that I was worried about with a big test completely rocked it. They did so well and they really really knew what was going on. They finally were able to meet that potential I knew they all had inside of them.

My college supervisor called my lesson fascinating. I cannot imagine a better compliment.

The other day when I explained that I had a job interview, one of you said “but you’re our teacher”. I’m going to miss those sweet things you all say that you don’t even realize are sweet. Those little things you say to let me know you care are priceless.

You will always be my first kids and I will never ever forget you.

Thank you so much. For everything. For every laugh, every frustration, every tear.

Proud.

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Its only a little more than a month until I graduate from college. The end of an amazing era and the start of another. Its mind blowing, exhilarating, and also terrifying. I am so proud of myself. I have pushed myself to be the best me I can be. I had my first interview for a teaching job yesterday. I did not get a second interview. But that is okay. It was my first one, I was nervous, and I did the best I could. Sometimes it is just not a fit.

I have truly been living up the last few months of college. I’m going out on weeknights. I’ve been saying you know what: yes I would love to do this with you. I’m spending money I don’t have and spending as much time with my friends as I can. Because its never going to be like this again, ever. I am okay with that and not okay with that in every way possible.

My entire floor is covered with clean laundry because I have not had the time-or care- to spend folding it. I’m spending it with my friends. I’m spending it attempting to be the best goddamn student teacher I can be.

I am so proud of where I am today. It might not be where I expected. And my life might be a mess. But I couldn’t be happier right where I am in my own crazy world.

I’ll love you forever.

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The love I have for you is more than the love I have for anybody. The trust I have for you is more than the trust I have for anybody else. The respect, the adoration, the care I have for you is more than I have for anyone else.

I am so proud of you and everything you’re becoming. You have taught me so much about myself. You know me better than anyone else.

Yet somehow, its not enough.

You’re not the one. It didn’t work out. We aren’t meant to be.

You’re all those things to me. But you aren’t the one. You aren’t mine anymore.

You taught me how to love. I’ll compare every lover to you until the day I find the one. I’m scared nobody will ever come close to comparing to you.

How is it that I feel such a love for you that I can’t describe, yet its not enough? Its not the kind of love we needed to be forever.

If I loved you that much and in that way, I cannot wait to see how the one for me makes me feel.

I’m glad you still trust me with your life. I hope that never changes.

I hope our future relationships don’t mess up our current friendship.

I’d be no where without our friendship.

I can’t believe how long its been since I’ve seen you. I’m afraid when I do, I’m going to fall right back in love with you. But I know deep down its not enough, it will never be enough.

I wish you all the love and happiness in the world. You are the strongest person I know. You have the biggest heart of anyone I know.

I miss you more everyday.

Thank you for letting me love you.

Thank you for loving me in a way I never thought possible.

Thank you for showing me I’m worthy of love.

I’ll love you forever.