Stuck.

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You know, a lot of things have scared me in my life, but nothing like this.

I’ve always been a student, I’ve always had something to do the next day or the next month. 

But here I am.

Stuck.

This limbo I’m in after college is unreal.

Tomorrow I could get a phone call that will land me a job.

Or I couldn’t get one.

This is the first time in my entire life that I have nothing.

Don’t get me wrong. I have more than nothing- I have amazing family and friends.

I just graduated from college, I should be proud.

And I am.

But this terrifying ‘I have no idea where I am going’ feeling is the strongest and most paralyzing feeling I’ve ever felt.

Tomorrow may be the day.

Or maybe I’ll have to find a plan B.

Either way, this uncertainty is crippling.

Too.

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Have you ever felt like you’re too happy? Everything is going right and you’re in a good place and then you realize something. You realize that its too good to be true. You get paranoid. You start to think about all the ways things could go wrong. You can’t be this happy. Its not possible. You sit around waiting for something to happen. You expect something to get messed up. That is how your life has always been.

I’m scared. Okay? For once in life my life, I’m doing everything I want to do. I’ve always been a happy person, I’m optimistic and see the good side of things. But this is different. I couldn’t complain about a single thing. Okay my back hurts today, but that doesn’t count. I’m on top of the world. And you know what that means. I’ve got no where to go but down.

How can that not be scary?

Fears.

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Have you ever had an irrational fear of something? No matter how much you knew you shouldn’t be scared, you still were? For some people its spiders or worms. For some people it’s the dark. Most people are scared of the future. And love.

If I’ve learned anything in life, it is that we can’t let fear control us. We have to let it drive us. We do most everything out of fear. Fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of change.

Fear is what makes us do most things. It’s what makes us get up and go to work every day. It is what drives us to chase our dreams. It is why we take leaps of faith.

Don’t be afraid to be afraid. Embrace it. Fight it. Beat it. Prove that pit in your stomach wrong. Show the world that you’re stronger than fear.

But never forget to be afraid of things. Once you’re too comfortable, that’s when it all goes downhill.

Fear is everywhere.

Embrace your fears.

Never.

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I’ve never been this way before. I’ve never been afraid. I’ve never not known what the other person is thinking. I’ve never sat back and let things happen. I’ve never been patient. I’ve never been nervous. I’ve always been the pusher, been in a rush. I’ve always known what I want. I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never been so afraid to mess up. I’ve never followed the rules of chivalry.  I’ve never been so afraid to put my heart out on the line. I’ve never been so afraid to mess up a friendship. I’ve never had anyone make me feel this way.

And I love it.

True Self

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I’ve been in love. With many different people in many different ways. I’ve opened my heart up to a select few people. Some have embraced me, some have disappointed me. Every time I’ve let someone in, I’ve come more close to understanding myself. I would say I let people in too easily, too quickly. I’m too trusting and open. However, I would never change it. I see people who can’t open up to people, I’ve seen how they struggle. Its liberating to show someone your most inner thoughts. I challenge you to do that. No matter how much it may scare you, it will always be worth it. I am not afraid to show the world who I am. I used to be terrified. I can’t live scared. I must live open, proud, and lovingly. When someone opens up to me, it shows me that they care about me. It makes me love them and respect them even more. No matter what they tell me, I will always be honored when someone tells me their deep thoughts and past. Next time someone opens up to you, embrace it. Don’t let them scare you. Be proud of them. Let them know they aren’t alone, it wasn’t easy for them to tell you what they told you. We are all human, we all have thoughts we will never understand. You’re unique and beautiful yet we all are a lot more similar than you think. Don’t be afraid to show your true self. Never be afraid to let someone in.