Understand.

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I guess I just don’t get it. I don’t think I ever will. How is it possible to love someone and one day wake up realizing its not enough anymore? How is it possible to see your life with someone just to later fall out of love with them? 

My mind changes all the time. I guess I’m naive to think that at 18, or 20, or even 22 that I could be in a point in my life that I could settle down and be happy with one person. I’ve had two beautiful, happy, and true loves. In both situations I was all in. Until slowly, quietly, I realized they weren’t the one for me.

Will it always happen like that? Will I always one day wake up and feel different? 

I don’t understand how or why it happens. I guess over time you realize that person isn’t your person. They may have been your person for a while, but they aren’t anymore. 

I’m afraid to ever get in another relationship because I don’t want this pattern to continue. I’ve never been very good at being single but I know its what I need. 

I thought I was careful last time. We took it so slow at the beginning, I was careful because I didn’t want what happened to happen. 

I don’t want it to ever happen again.

How can I change my mind so quickly and so concretely like that?

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Enjoy every step of the journey

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I spend my entire week working my ass of in school. I’m either in classes, studying, doing homework, or in meetings or other various events for school or clubs I am in. While my friends are around doing fun stuff, I’m locking myself in my room or parking my butt at the library and working hard.

I never complain about this. It is my choice to work as hard as I do to succeed. I know exactly what I want and I work everyday to get it.

My job is to be a student. I’ll save my social life for the weekends, if I have the time. I don’t need to spend everyday with my friends to feel like I’m cool or that I have a life. My true friends and I don’t need to spend everyday together in order to know we are close.

I am in college to get a degree to get my dream job. The social life is a beautiful bonus that I do take advantage of. But thats not why I’m here. I’m here to earn the A in that class, learn from experiences in clubs, and prepare myself for everything I’ve ever wanted. Being able to help people through my clubs is another beautiful bonus I am lucky to have.

I know too many people who view college as a playground and treat classes as if they aren’t important. I’m using college as a stepping stone to get where I’m going. If you’re not here for that reason, why are you here?

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Everything

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Just when I think I get to know someone, I realize I don’t. They do something I consider out of character. And I’m surprised. But that is only because of how I think of them. I don’t know them. I don’t know what their thoughts are. I don’t know what gets them through the day. I don’t know the intricate feelings they have every moment. I know what they let me see. I know the little part of them that they show the world.

I have noticed people have done the same with me. Been disappointed or surprised by me. They don’t know me well enough to know what I think. Nobody does. They see what I show them. I cannot even figure out myself, how can they possibly know who I am?

No matter how close I am with someone, I will never know everything about them. I will never know everything about anyone. I believe there is mystery in that. And beauty. A lot of beauty. We can always learn from each other. We can always learn about each other. The mind is a gorgeous web of thought and feelings and opinions. Most of the time, its going to be nearly impossible to change someone’s mind. Don’t try. Just try to understand their mind. But remember that even when you think you understand someone or know someone, you don’t. You never truly will. And I believe thats wonderful.

You’re not worth it.

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I’m opinionated. I have a lot to say. I have a blog for heaven’s sake. I’ll tell you what I think and I couldn’t care less if you agree or not. I’m outspoken and I can be obnoxious when I’m hyper. I like to have fun. If you don’t agree with me and the way I live my life, fine. I don’t care how other people live their lives, so why would I care what you think about how I live mine? You have no right to get pissed at me for being myself and sharing my opinion. I never said you had to agree with me, I don’t even expect you to. You are who you are and I am who I am. We are two different people, why are you getting mad at me for thinking differently than you? I think life is beautiful and I want to take advantage of every moment of it. You can live however you want, but don’t you dare tell me how to live my life. I’m not apologizing this time, I swallowed my pride for you too many times already. You’ve never been a good friend to me and you’re just not worth it to me anymore

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I’m sorry.

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I have nothing to be mad about. I have nothing to hate you for. I have no excuse for why it didn’t work out. I have absolutely nothing that tells me you weren’t perfect for me. How am I supposed to move on? All I have is that one week I woke up feeling different that I had any other day the past three years. All I have is that I acted on impulse. All I have is a phone call that completely altered my entire life. I don’t remember what I felt or why I did what I did. I remember how you treated me, how happy you made me, and how you loved me. Am I remembering it better than it was? For a while after, I was confident I made the right decision. Am I forgetting why I made this decision? All I’m thinking tonight is that I ended something wonderful because I was too stubborn and scared to work it out. I felt trapped, so why didn’t I just ask for room? I can’t change what I did. It was my decision. I thought I had moved on, only to be more confused now than I was the day after. I miss you more everyday. I’m sorry.

 

True Self

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I’ve been in love. With many different people in many different ways. I’ve opened my heart up to a select few people. Some have embraced me, some have disappointed me. Every time I’ve let someone in, I’ve come more close to understanding myself. I would say I let people in too easily, too quickly. I’m too trusting and open. However, I would never change it. I see people who can’t open up to people, I’ve seen how they struggle. Its liberating to show someone your most inner thoughts. I challenge you to do that. No matter how much it may scare you, it will always be worth it. I am not afraid to show the world who I am. I used to be terrified. I can’t live scared. I must live open, proud, and lovingly. When someone opens up to me, it shows me that they care about me. It makes me love them and respect them even more. No matter what they tell me, I will always be honored when someone tells me their deep thoughts and past. Next time someone opens up to you, embrace it. Don’t let them scare you. Be proud of them. Let them know they aren’t alone, it wasn’t easy for them to tell you what they told you. We are all human, we all have thoughts we will never understand. You’re unique and beautiful yet we all are a lot more similar than you think. Don’t be afraid to show your true self. Never be afraid to let someone in.

Happiness

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I am currently writing a paper on land ethic and how we should use the land we are given. I am so overwhelmed with thoughts about how we should use our time on earth as individuals that I must get it out through this blog before I word vomit all over this paper about something completely irrelevant.

I have come to realize that I am living this life for myself only. Yes, I have wonderful people in my life I’d do anything for. Ultimately I have to live to make myself happy. If I am not happy, how are the people around me supposed to be happy. I believe happiness, confidence, morality, friendship, outlooks on life, and much more are very contagious. If my friends are in a bad mood, it brings my mood down. I’ve seen my outlooks on life changed the outlooks of my friends. Even if only a little bit, it’s all contagious.

Okay whoa tangent. Back to what we should use our time here on. I have picked a profession in which I will not be rich and be able to take fancy vacations and buy whatever I want. I picked a profession that will make me happy. I learned a long time ago that money is not happiness.

For me, happiness has always been teaching. The moment that person finally gets something they have been struggling with or when someone understands something because of the way I explain it to them, that’s happiness to me.

Standing in my pool with my parents and brother chatting about life and nothing in particular or making shortbread with them around christmas, that’s happiness to me.

Sitting shotty in one of my best friend’s car serenading her or driving to the beach with another one of my best friends making my car shake from dancing in traffic, that’s happiness to me.

Tearing down a house just to build it back up for someone in need, that’s happiness to me.

Sitting in a stupid car for 18 damn hours every year to see my cousins and their laughs and watching them grow up, that’s happiness to me.

Learning about science, chemistry, anything really, that’s happiness to me.

I think every single person needs to really sit down and think what really makes them happy. My brother is an accountant. I do not know how I could ever do that with my life. But when I see him talk about it, I know that’s his happiness.

For every single person its going to be completely different. I could never expect someone to need or want the same things I want in life. Its their life, not mine. I think that’s what makes the world a beautiful and unique place.

I also think that’s what makes the world sad too. Most people have no idea what actually makes them happy. I am in college for the sole reason that it will get me to be a teacher which will bring me happiness. Most people are here because society or their parents tell them they have to be.

I am one lucky person. I have an amazing home life, friends, and really have not had too much to deal with in my life. I could understand why people think it might be easy for me to be happy. This may be true. However, I really believe it’s because I know what makes me happy and I reach for that every single moment of my life.