Love is funny, you know? It can surprise you. It can stop you dead in your tracks. It can trick you. It can be the best and worst things to happen to you. It can end quicker than it started. It can fade and it can leave in an instant. It is so desired yet so terrifying.
No matter what you do- its there. Whether you’re feeling it, craving it, or haunted by it. You’ll never be able to explain it. You’ll never know why it didn’t work out with some people. You’ll never truly understand why.
I am becoming everything I’ve always hated. I am doing things I judged people for doing. I am doing everything I frowned down upon. Did I just not know what it felt like? Did I never know what it felt like to be alone and heartbroken? I never thought of it as a coping mechanism. I never understood why anyone would be like this. Until I became everything I hated. Its how I feel good about myself, it makes me happy. But only in the moment. Afterwards, or even before, I know its not what I want. I cannot stop myself. I’m everything I never wanted to be. I’ve tried to change. I’ve tried to go back. This isn’t me. This isn’t me. Why can’t I stop? God I sound like a drug addict. I’m not. My morals have just been completely readjusted over a matter of a few months. Who am I anymore?
My last post talked about never being able to truly understand someone, no matter how close you are to them. Today, I want to talk about people you don’t know thinking they know you. You know my name, you know my face, maybe you’ve talked to me or heard me talk to other people, you’ve heard stories about me, you’ve labeled me. You don’t know me. You know nothing about me or my past or what I’ve been through. We all do it though. I’ve done it. I hear a story or two about someone and assume I know who they are. I don’t, you don’t, nobody does. I’m not trying to preach don’t judge people. We all do and we all always will. Next time you assume something about someone, think about all the things you’ve done that people could assume about you. Recently, I have done a lot of things that are out of my character. I’m not proud of them and they aren’t me. But people will assume that that is me and they’ll never be able to get that out of their head. To be honest, I do not care if they think that. My friends know what I am going through and know why I am coping the way I am. They accept me as the imperfect human that I am.
Just when I think I get to know someone, I realize I don’t. They do something I consider out of character. And I’m surprised. But that is only because of how I think of them. I don’t know them. I don’t know what their thoughts are. I don’t know what gets them through the day. I don’t know the intricate feelings they have every moment. I know what they let me see. I know the little part of them that they show the world.
I have noticed people have done the same with me. Been disappointed or surprised by me. They don’t know me well enough to know what I think. Nobody does. They see what I show them. I cannot even figure out myself, how can they possibly know who I am?
No matter how close I am with someone, I will never know everything about them. I will never know everything about anyone. I believe there is mystery in that. And beauty. A lot of beauty. We can always learn from each other. We can always learn about each other. The mind is a gorgeous web of thought and feelings and opinions. Most of the time, its going to be nearly impossible to change someone’s mind. Don’t try. Just try to understand their mind. But remember that even when you think you understand someone or know someone, you don’t. You never truly will. And I believe thats wonderful.